Scene:
Alan and Philip's room. Both tenants are present, as is Rigsby. Alan is telling Rigsby of his alleged experience with women, and trying to justify nude magazines.
PHILIP
In my country we find that sort of thing degrading.
We don't see sex as something to be sniggered at. We don't read those sort
of magazines.
RIGSBY
Of course. You don't have time - you're too busy
doing it.
PHILIP
At least they don't have to draw diagrams for us,
Rigsby. No one has to tell us where the erogenous zones are.
RIGSBY
The what?
ALAN
The erogenous zones, Rigsby.
(Rigsby looks blank).
He doesn't know where they are!
RIGSBY
Of course I do! They're somewhere near the equator,
aren't they?
ALAN
The erogenous zones are those parts of the body
which are most sensitive to sexual stimuli.
RIGSBY
Oh, those erogenous zones.
ALAN
Look. You take the ear, that's an erogenous zone.
You blow in Miss Jones' ear and you'll be staggered at the results!
RIGSBY
Now you watch your tongue! We'll have none of that
sort of talk round here, this is a respectable house.
ALAN
Times have changed, Rigsby. We believe in 'love
without fear'.
RIGSBY
'Love without fear'?! I seem to remember, the last
time you indulged in 'love without fear', you spent three days under that
bed hiding from her father.
ALAN
Ah, well, that was different. He didn't like me.
RIGSBY
(Sarcastically) Really? That does amaze
me. What could he possibly have had against you?
ALAN
He said I was damaging his hedge. We used to lean
against it.
RIGSBY
I can understand his feelings. My God, he spends
years bringing up his daughter to perfection, to the 'flower of womanhood',
and what happens? Along comes this long-haired Herbert in surgical boots
and starts damaging his hedge, swinging on his gate and chatting up his
daughter.
ALAN
Well, there were 'other things'. He found these
letters, and they were open to certain interpretations.
RIGSBY
I bet they were.
ALAN
He said he was going to wring my neck.
PHILIP
He shouldn't have read your letters.
ALAN
That's what I said. Well, not to him, like.
But that's what I said.
RIGSBY
Of course he should have read his letters. It's
his duty to protect his daughter. She's his responsibility. He's got to
shelter that innocent girl from the likes of you. Do you know, when I was
your age, that was very important - the purity of a woman. It was the greatest
gift a woman could give to a man on his wedding night... now he has to
make do with a set of cufflinks. Just you remember, the permissive society
stops at that front door, alright? We don't want any of it in here.
Food Glorious Food
Scene:
Alan and Philip's room. Rigsby is discussing the
'civilisation' by white men of Africa with the two tenants.
RIGSBY
Where would you have been without us?
PHILIP
Rigsby, it was a paradise before you came. Unspoilt.
Unpolluted.
RIGSBY
Listen, mate. You can't tell me about those places,
I've been there. Oh yes, lovely climate, clear skies, blue sea. The only
trouble is the beach goes back five hundred miles. Nothing but sand. (To
Alan) And did they do anything with it? Did they build canals, find
the oil? No, of course not. They just lay out under the palm trees and
read the Kama Sutra.
PHILIP
As a matter of fact Rigsby, not only did they have
to do the digging, they had to do it on an empty stomach.
RIGSBY
Ah yes, but that's because of their religion, isn't
it? They're so fussy. They won't eat the 'sacred cow', will they? And the
other half believe in reincarnation - they won't eat anything, in case
it was someone they knew. (To Alan). You see, that's why they won't
do any digging. If they put a spade through a worm, they think they've
cut granny in half. I mean, you can't be like that about animals, can you?
ALAN
Oh that's rich coming from someone who spends a
fortune on tinned cat food.
PHILIP
Yes, how can you object to feeding the poor when
you spend so much on feeding that fat, greasy thing? (He indicates Vienna,
who is lying on the carpet).
RIGSBY
Hey, keep your voice down. He understands every
word you say, you know. (He bends down and picks up the cat, putting
it on his lap). Hey, Vienna, come here, then, there's a good boy. You've
offended him now. It's alright, Vienna, the dark getleman didn't mean it.
PHILIP
But I did mean it. Just look at him. What use is
he?
RIGSBY
What use is he? He's not meant to be any use, he's
a pet.
PHILIP
Would you eat him if you were starving, Rigsby?
RIGSBY
Ooh, I shall have to cover his ears if you carry
on like this.
A Body Like Mine
Scene:
Alan and Philip's room. Alan is working-out with
weights. Philip is reading a book.
ALAN
Are you sure this is going to work?
PHILIP
Of course it'll work. You've got to keep it up.
You're putting far too much effort into it. Try and relax.
ALAN
How can I relax? My veins are standing out
all over my body.
PHILIP
There's a giant inside you, trying to get out.
ALAN
Well why doesn't he help me with these weights?
PHILIP
There's a giant inside all of us.
ALAN
I bet mine will have varicose veins. Do you really
think I'll look like that? (He points to a drawing of a champion body
builder on the wall).
PHILIP
You will if you work hard. Haven't you noticed
any difference?
ALAN
I think my arms are getting longer. I don't want
that. I don't want my hands brushing the ground as I walk along.
PHILIP
I think your deltoids are getting larger.
ALAN
Do you?! (He goes over to the mirror). Hey,
I think you might be right. Hey that should pull the birds!
PHILIP
It means a lot to you, doesn't it?
ALAN
Yeah, of course it does. It's alright for you,
but I was a delicate child. While you were out in the bush, having adventures
and living off wild berries, I was having vapour rubs. Well all that's
going to change. (Alan resumes his weightlifting. Rigsby enters, carrying
Vienna).
RIGSBY
Oh my God, it's Strang the Terrible! It's alright,
Vienna, don't be disturbed. Don't be alarmed by all that rippling muscle.
I'm sure the gentleman means us no harm. What
do you think you're
doing?
ALAN
I'm developing my body, Rigsby.
RIGSBY
The only thing you'll develop is a hernia. You're
wasting your time, you know, it won't work.
ALAN
Why not?!
RIGSBY
Because you don't keep it up, you never do.
You
get tired brushing your hair. And what's going to happen when all that
muscle turns to fat, eh? You're going to look like something that's been
left out of
the fridge all night.
Scene:
Alan and Philip's room. Rigsby enters, desperate to shake off Ruth's love interest, Desmond.
RIGSBY
I'm going to have to do something about this Desmond.
PHILIP
What are you going to do, Rigsby?
ALAN
He's going to give him a fat lip.
RIGSBY
No, no, no. He's an intelligent man. He'll see
reason. I'll just have a quiet word with him, tell him to stay away from
her.
PHILIP
And what if he doesn't?
RIGSBY
Then I'll give him a fat lip.
PHILIP
'A fat lip'? That's your answer to everything,
isn't it?
ALAN
You'll only drive them further into each other's
arms.
RIGSBY
Oh, thank you, Marjorie Proops.
PHILIP
Just face it Rigsby, she prefers Desmond. And do
you know why?
RIGSBY
No, come on. You tell me!
ALAN
Because he's got all the chat. Look, when
was the last time you took Miss Jones out
into the garden and told her exactly what was in
your heart?
RIGSBY
You mean 'I.. I lov... ' ? You mean 'the three
little words'?
PHILIP
He can't even say it!
RIGSBY
Well, we don't go in for all that around here -
all that 'moonlight and roses'. It's alright for Noel Coward. I bet he
didn't try it with any of the women round here. If he crept up behind them
in a silk dressing gown, he'd find his fag-holder shoved down the back
of his throat.
PHILIP
You've got to be able to express your feelings,
Rigsby.
RIGSBY
Oh, shut up!
ALAN
Desmond sends her fresh flowers every day.
RIGSBY
I knew there was something wrong with him - must
be greenfly. Anyway, she knows how I feel about her. She knows I fancy
her.
ALAN
'Fancy her'? Is this the language of Shakespeare
and Byron? Where's your sense of romance?
RIGSBY
Don't talk to me about romance, mate. It's all
a racket, all that. Spending a fortune on chocolates and flowers. Where
does it get you, eh? You end up in some expensive restaurant, with a glass
full of chopped fruit and eating meat off a flaming sword.
And with the waiters waiting round like vultures.
And then up come the 'genuine gypsy violinists' - day workers from Ford's.
Very romantic - until you forget to tip them, then you get the violin bow
up your nostril.
ALAN
I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about poetry,
the beauty of the language. Do you know any poetry?
RIGSBY
'The Charge Of The Light Brigade'.
ALAN
Look, you've got to learn some romantic
poetry if you're going to compete with Desmond.
RIGSBY
I think I'd sooner give him a fat lip.
The Perfect Gentleman
Scene:
Rigsby's room. Rigsby is polishing a pair of shoes.
Alan enters, angrily.
RIGSBY
What's the matter with you?!
ALAN
I've got a complaint.
RIGSBY
I'm not surprised. You should eat more fresh vegetables.
ALAN
No, it's about Seymour. He's monopolising the bathroom
again. He's been in there for hours.
RIGSBY
Look, you can't expect him to dash in and out,
not Seymour.
ALAN
He's in there reading the paper, I can hear him
turning the pages.
RIGSBY
He's probably studying the financial pages. He's
thinking of getting out of gilt edged.
ALAN
I'm glad he's thinking of getting out of somewhere.
I wish he'd get out of the bathroom.
RIGSBY
He's not like you, you know. In fact, he's very
concerned about his krugerrands.
ALAN
He's not looking at them in there, is he?! Hey,
do you think he wants a medical opinion?
RIGSBY
Don't you know what krugerrands are?
ALAN
Of course I know what they are. I know he hasn't
got any. He had to borrow 10p for the gas.
RIGSBY
My God, it hasn't taken you long has it? Hasn't
taken long for you to show your resentment. Just because he had a public
school education. Just because he's a gentleman.
ALAN
A gentleman?!
RIGSBY
Yes, I knew that word would stick in your
throat. He's got breeding.
ALAN
So has our cocker spaniel, but we don't let him
take over the bathroom.
RIGSBY
Typical working-class reaction, that.
ALAN
Hey, wait a minute. How do you know I haven't got
breeding?
RIGSBY
Because you suffer from one great disadvantage,
that's why.
ALAN
What's that?
RIGSBY
You're common.
ALAN
I'm not common! What makes you think I'm common?
RIGSBY
You eat with your mouth open. Once it's in there,
that's the last we should see of it. Not with you, you're like one of those
things on the back of a dustcart - your teeth rotate. That, and smothering
everything in tomato sauce. I can just imagine you sitting at the high
table shouting for the sauce bottle and wiping your butter knife on the
tablecloth. You wouldn't even know which way to pass the port - assuming
you ever let go of it.
Scene:
Rigsby's room, filled with new, albeit hire purchase, furniture. Alan enters.
RIGSBY
You're looking very cheerful. What's the matter,
have they cancelled the revolution again?
ALAN
Well, I was wondering if you could help me.
RIGSBY
Help you? Of course I can help you. I've told you,
I'm not just your landlord, I'm a friend and counsellor. Now what's your
problem?
ALAN
It's a bit delicate.
RIGSBY
It's not bedwetting, is it?
ALAN
No it isn't!
RIGSBY
'Delicate'? Oh, I know, you've been having 'thoughts'.
Don't worry about it, it's all part of growing up. You're going through
a difficult time - the sap's rising, mysterious changes taking place in
the body, sudden lack of interest in football...
ALAN
I've never been interested in football.
RIGSBY
Yes, it's always been karate or kung-fu, or something
else from the land of the bandy legs with you, hasn't it? Even so, you've
suddenly become aware of the oppsite sex, yes?
ALAN
Well, yes.
RIGSBY
And you've no doubt wondered why they can't throw
a cricket ball as well as we do, and you wondered why?
ALAN
No, this has got nothing to do with women, not
directly.
RIGSBY
It's not that prickly heat again, is it?
ALAN
Look, if you're going to be like this... (He
turns to leave).
RIGSBY
Alright. What is it, then?
ALAN
I want to borrow some money. Shall we say £5?
RIGSBY
You can say what you like!
ALAN
You mean you're not going to lend it me?
RIGSBY
It's not a question of that. Let me give you some
advice: 'Never a lender nor a borrower be'. You see, if I lend you money,
our friendship will go straight out the window.
ALAN
What friendship? If you were a friend you'd lend
me the money.
RIGSBY
Talking about friendship, what about your mate
upstairs? He's not exactly short, is he? I'm sure he could run to a few
bags of salt and an elephant's tusk.
ALAN
I can't ask Philip, I borrowed from him last week.
RIGSBY
You see, you're too improvident. You spend too
much on baubles, bangles and bloody beads, that's your trouble.
ALAN
I spend all my money on that gas meter, just to
keep warm. I sometimes wonder if there's a roof on this house.
RIGSBY
You make do with that gas fire, mate. During wartime,
we had to make do with a pile of nutty slack. You had to share a fire with
a friend.
ALAN
Did you find one?
Things That Go Bump In The
Night
Scene:
Rigsby's room. He and Alan are talking about films.
ALAN
You ought to get out more.
RIGSBY
Nah. I can see all the films I want on television.
ALAN
What sort of films can you see on there?!
RIGSBY
Good films!
ALAN
Such as?
RIGSBY
Well recently I've seen Dracula, Dracula's Daughter,
Frankenstein and the Monster...
ALAN
Is that all you've watched?!!
RIGSBY
No, no. I've seen The Mummy's Hand as well.
ALAN
Doesn't that tell you something about yourself?
RIGSBY
What do you mean?
ALAN
Well they're all horror films.
RIGSBY
I like horror films.
ALAN
But doesn't it indicate the state of your mind?
RIGSBY
There's nothing wrong with my mind, mate.
ALAN
Well you wouldn't catch
me watching that
rubbish.
RIGSBY
If you started watching films like that, we'd have
to leave the light on all night. You get frightened watching Scooby Doo!
ALAN
I don't get frightened, I just happen to think
it's all rather childish.
RIGSBY
Oh yes? What happened when we watched Psycho? You
went to the lavatory fourteen times. You hardly saw any of it.
ALAN
I saw most of it!
RIGSBY
You didn't see the murders though.
ALAN
Yes I did. I saw them through the crack in the
door.
RIGSBY
I shall never forget you that night, you went to
bed shaking like a leaf, clutching your panda.