For The Man Who Has Everything

Scene: Rigsby's room. Rigsby is getting ready to visit Brenda after she walked into his room in a negligee, looking for Alan. She thought Rigsby had gone away for Christmas. Rigsby had wished for just such a treat over his turkey wishbone.    ALAN What are you looking so pleased about? (Rigsby smiles broadly) Eh, you're not going up there, are you?

RIGSBY Why not? It's what I wished for. (He picks up the wishbone). They never worked before. Must be all those hormones they keep feeding them.  ALAN Rigsby, it's just a coincidence. You don't think Father Christmas sent her, do you?  RIGSBY I wanted something warm. It beats stringback gloves and a chunky sweater.  ALAN She probably just decided to come home early. She hasn't just stepped off a train from Toy Town. RIGSBY Yes, but why did she decide to come home early? Because she's been missing me.

ALAN Missing you?!!!  RIGSBY Of course! She's missed the excitement. You know how it is with me and women. It's the old 'animal magnetism' again.  ALAN 'The old animal magnetism' hasn't done you much good so far, has it?  RIGSBY Ah, but this is different - it's Christmas. A time when a woman needs a man. It's emotional, they start lowering their defences. It's like V J night all over again.  ALAN V J night?  RIGSBY Ooh, what? Japan weren't the only ones who surrendered that night, I'll tell you ! It was marvellous that night:- there was dancing in the street, fireworks exploding against the night sky. The free world was celebrating a victory for democracy.

ALAN How did you get on? RIGSBY Eh? Oh, er, not too good actually. Stood too near to the fireworks. Got a rocket up my battledress.  ALAN You're not too lucky where women are concerned, are you?  RIGSBY I don't know, she came down in her nightdress. It wasn't to borrow a loaf of bread. She thought I was going to be here on my own. Anyway, she promised me a kiss for Christmas.  ALAN When was that?  RIGSBY When I unblocked her drains.

ALAN That was last July!  RIGSBY She remembers! A promise is a promise. What I'll do is: I'll invite her down for a few drinks, promote the festive spirit, get her under the mistletoe... Bob's your uncle.  ALAN Hey Rigsby, what about me?  RIGSBY You can blow up a few balloons.

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(c) Paul Fisher
All script excerpts are (c) Eric Chappell.
Excerpts are as recorded for TV. Original scripts may have contained differences.
See the Rising Damp Scripts book for the complete, original scripts.