That's My Boy Scene: Rigsby returns to his room from a Spanish holiday. He is wearing a sombrero hat and is carrying a battered suitcase. Alan is surprised to see him back so early, not expecting him until next week.  ALAN Rigsby, you're back!  RIGSBY Of course I'm back. Who'd you think it was, The Lone Ranger?  ALAN No, but I wasn't expecting you till next week.  RIGSBY Oh yes? I thought I could smell cannabis. Is everything alright, then? Nothing happened while I've been away ?  ALAN No, no. The surveyor's been down, put a few more crosses on the house.  RIGSBY Oh. What?!!  ALAN No, relax Rigsby. Everything's fine. What's it like then, to be back form the joys of the Costa Brava?  RIGSBY Bloody awful. I think I'm suffering from jetlag.  ALAN It must've done you some good. Travel broadens the mind - going to strange places, meeting strange people, eating strange foods...  RIGSBY Coming out in strange boils. Anyway (He looks Alan up and down) what makes you think I've got to travel to meet strange people? Hey, did you feed the cat while I was away?  ALAN Yeah, why?  RIGSBY Only I've just seen him coming out of the dustbin.  ALAN What was the food like, Rigsby?  RIGSBY Greasy.  ALAN And the people?  RIGSBY About the same.  ALAN You don't sound very excited.  RIGSBY Well, I'm not. Frontiers don't mean much to you. Not when you've driven across them like I have, in a Churchill tank with all guns blazing. (He moves to unpack his suitcase).  ALAN You've got a lot of labels.  RIGSBY Yes, I think that'll raise a few eyebrows when I take the washing down the laundrette.  ALAN This one says Dubrovnik. That's in Yugoslavia!  RIGSBY Is it? I wouldn't know. I got them off a case at London Airport.  ALAN What did you do that for?  RIGSBY Well, you know what they're like round here - travel snobs. You have to cross the Sahara on a camel before they take any notice of you.  ALAN You don't change, do you? Last year, you put GB plates on to go to the Isle of Man!  RIGSBY They all do it round here! What about the  milkman? Tells me he's taking the night flight to Benidorm. There he is the next day, creosoting his mother's fence.  ALAN (Eyeing Rigsby suspiciously). Are you sure you went to Spain? You don't look very brown.  RIGSBY Neither would you if you'd spent the last three days in a police station shouting for the British Consul.  ALAN You mean you ended up in the cells?!!!!  RIGSBY You can laugh. You wouldn't have lasted five minutes out there - it's not a democracy, you know. You try speaking your mind, you get a well polished jackboot in the ribs.  ALAN Why did they arrest you?  RIGSBY They said I was a troublemaker, just because I pushed this German into the swimming pool. He said he was ex-Luftwaffe. All I asked him was if he knew who'd bombed our granny's house - he turned into a right little Eric von Strauheim.  ALAN Travel nowadays is to broaden your mind, to meet new people.  RIGSBY I know. I met some very nice lads from Oldham. Mind you, they were turfed out, something to do with a missing bidet. It was that sort of hotel. Everyting came away in your hands. Still, I got my own back (He holds aloft a hotel bath towel).  ALAN Did you... get me anything, Rigsby?  RIGSBY Don't worry, I didn't forget about you. As a thank you for looking after the place, I bought you some brandy and cigars.  ALAN (Coyly) Oh, but I didn't want anything!  RIGSBY Good, because they took them off me  coming through Customs. The lads from Oldham got the bidet through, though. Just your bad luck, I'm afraid.  Stage Struck Scene: Alan's room. Rigsby enters, and talks to Alan about Hilary, a rather camp, out-of-work actor.  RIGSBY If he says one more word, just one more, I shall have him.  ALAN Who's that, Rigsby?  RIGSBY Hilary. Who'd you think?  ALAN I don't know what you've got against him. I find him very stimulating.  RIGSBY Oh, you would. You've liked him ever since he admired your earrings.  ALAN No, it's not that. I just think we've got a lot in common.  RIGSBY Yes, the same crippling fear of manual labour. What I want to know is when's he going to get a job?  ALAN He's 'resting'.  RIGSBY Yes, I can see that, I'm not blind. Why can't he wait until nightfall like the rest of us, instead of lounging round the house all day?  ALAN No, 'resting' is a showbusiness term for being out of work.  RIGSBY Showbusiness?!!! You don't believe all that rubbish, do you? He's not in showbusiness! What's he ever done? Go on, you tell me.  ALAN He's done a lot of things.  RIGSBY Such as?  ALAN You'd be surprised.  RIGSBY Go on then, surprise me.  ALAN He was very nearly in 'Oh, Calcutta!'.  RIGSBY Oh yes? What happened, didn't he measure up?!  ALAN No, he sprained his ankle.  RIGSBY Hmm, from what I've heard, that's not the only thing he's sprained. Anyway, I've never seen him in anything.  ALAN He was in 'I, Claudius'.  RIGSBY Was he? I watched that, I don't remember seeing him.  ALAN It was only a very small part. He was in the orgy scene. He ran round the room squeezing grapes over everybody.  RIGSBY My God, no wonder he's resting. The effort must have been too much for him. Anyway, I still don't remember seeing him in it.  ALAN Well, you wouldn't have done. He was wearing a stag's head.  RIGSBY There you are! He's all talk, and you're so gullible.  ALAN He's great. He read some poetry to us last night. We all sat round on the floor, spellbound. It was the best night I've had. We finished up with a moussaka.  RIGSBY (Puzzled). A what?  ALAN A moussaka. You don't know what it is, do you?  RIGSBY Of course I know what it is... you all join hands and dance round in a circle.  ALAN It's a Greek dish, Rigsby.  RIGSBY Oh, I might have known. He's got some fancy ways, that one. He's far too fond of that striped apron for my liking. Why doesn't he get out and look for a job?  ALAN Well he's not wasting his time. He's written a play.  RIGSBY Written a play? It's all he can do to leave a note for the milkman.  ALAN Well he's written one, and it's very good. (He opens the script at the first page). RIGSBY Oh yes, what's it about?  ALAN (Reading the synopsis). Well, it's "...a psychological drama, full of symbolism and imagery, played out against the backdrop of a dingy boarding house and dealing with contemporary themes."  RIGSBY Oh my God. Sounds like another 'Play For Today'.  ALAN No, it's very good. It deals with exploitation, the decline of modern life, the underlying violence in modern society.  RIGSBY Violence?!!! What does he know about violence? He's only got to break a nail, he takes to his bed for the rest of the day.  ALAN It's no good talking to you, Rigsby. You just don't like him, I don't know why.  RIGSBY Well, for one reason he calls me 'ducky'. If he calls me 'ducky' once more, I'll have him. (Hilary enters). HILARY Oh, hello ducky!

Clunk Click Scene: Corridor, into Rigsby' room. Night. Rigsby has parked his sports car in the street, and is dressed in dinner jacket, ready to take Miss Jones to The Country Club. He is singing 'Moonlight and Roses'.  PHILIP Rigsby, you could have killed me! RIGSBY What?!  PHILIP You nearly ran me down out there. You missed me by inches!  RIGSBY Ooh, as close as that, was it?! It's alright, it was nothing personal. I was trying to avoid the cat.  PHILIP The cat?! What about me? That's typical of  you Rigsby. You'd swerve to avoid the cat, and run down a dozen pedestrians!  RIGSBY No, no, it's not like that. It's just that I can see him better.  PHILIP What do you need a car for anyway? They cause pollution, use up the world's resources and in the wrong hands can be as lethal as a loaded revolver!  RIGSBY You don't understand, do you? A car is essential in this country. You can't travel by jungle creeper round here, you know.  PHILIP You could use a bicycle.  RIGSBY A bicycle?! I'm taking Miss Jones to the Country Club. What do you suggest we do, go by tandem? I can just see me handing in my clips in to the commissionaire. No, I know what's up with you, mate. You are jealous because I'm taking Miss Jones out for the evening, and as soon as I've finished filling my cigarette case I'll be away, and I won't be back until dawn. (He slams the cigarette case shut in Philip's face. Ruth enters). RUTH Do I look alright, Mr. Rigsby? (She is wearing a posh dress, black straw hat, and a fox-fur stole, complete with head and legs, draped around her shoulders). RIGSBY Alright, Miss Jones? You look ravishing!  RUTH Well I was wondering about this. (She indicates the stole). Don't you think it looks a bit odd?  RIGSBY Why should it look odd, Miss Jones?  RUTH Well, it's Aunt Ada's. It's a bit old-fashioned now. I think it's the head. I keep thinking something's leapt on me from behind.  RIGSBY I shouldn't give it a moment's thought, Miss Jones. It suits you.  RUTH What do you think, Philip?  PHILIP What do I think of it? I think it's just another example of the way so-called civilised countries are decimating the animal kingdom, just to satisfy the whims of fashion, to grace the idle, pampered shoulders of Western women.  RUTH You don't like it?  PHILIP I think it's disgusting!  RUTH Well I didn't kill it, and I'm sure Aunt Ada didn't!  PHILIP You can't transfer your guilt as easily as that, Ruth. You're wearing it!  RIGSBY Ah, just a minute. How do you know he didn't die of old age? He looks contented enough to me. (He lifts the fox's head). Are you feeling alright? 'Course I am!' There you are!  PHILIP It's obscene, Rigsby. At least we only kill for food and warmth. Not for the Country Club.  RUTH Oh God, now I've upset him. Perhaps I ought not to wear it.  RIGSBY Nonsense, it is perfectly acceptable, Miss Jones. As long as Peter Scott* doesn't turn up.  RUTH Do you really think it suits me?  RIGSBY Miss Jones, I promise you that when we walk through that door, every head will turn. And do you know what they will be thinking? 'Beauty and The Beast'!  RUTH Oh I don't know, Mr. Rigsby, you look very nice too!  RIGSBY I was referring to the fox actually. Well, shall we go, Miss Jones? Those seatbelts are a bit tricky, and I want to get you strapped down... er, strapped in as safely  as possible. * Peter Scott was a natural history TV presenter.  The Good Samaritan Scene: Alan's room. Alan is studying. Rigsby enters, concerned about a potetially - suicidal new tenant downstairs. ALAN What's the matter, Rigsby?  RIGSBY It's that new bloke. I've just been talking to him. He's thinking of emigrating. At least, I think he's emigrating.  ALAN Why does everyone want to emigrate? I wouldn't go.  RIGSBY They wouldn't have you!  ALAN Of course they would, with my special skills.  RIGSBY Your 'special skills'? Since when has the ability to lie on your back and blow smoke rings been a 'special skill'?  ALAN Look, when I'm qualified, I could emigrate to anywhere in the world.  RIGSBY Don't you worry mate, when you start cutting people up, we'll all be emigrating.  ALAN Well I won't. I think, in a time of crisis, I shall put my talents at the disposal of the nation. I shall stay.  RIGSBY Ooh, no. No thank you. There are enough Bolsheviks in the Health Service as it is. It's the private patients I feel sorry for. They're already getting cold rice pudding and having to wait for their bottles.  ALAN No, they're not. They get the same treatment as everyone else.  RIGSBY Oh yes? Then why do you let their dahlias wither? They're always having to wait for water for their flowers. And what happens if they complain? They find you're holding a union meeting over your appendix. I don't blame him for going. I wish I was younger.  ALAN Where is he going?  RIGSBY Well, he didn't say. He didn't seem to know. He seemed a bit depressed - it was all rather strange really.  ALAN That's not strange. Everyone gets depressed when they see that room.  RIGSBY He was depressed before that! He said he's not bothered about his surroundings. I tell you another thing, he had no luggage. You'd think if he was emigrating he'd have luggage, wouldn't you?  ALAN Yes, I agree that's strange. What did he say?  RIGSBY He said 'I'm going out, once and for all'. Then he said he was going to write some  farewell notes.  ALAN Hey Rigsby, you don't think he's going to do something desperate, do you?  RIGSBY Why do you always have to look on the grisly side? Anyway, I've just shampooed the carpet in there!  Fawcett's Python Scene: Marilyn's room. She is an exotic dancer, with a partner who is a huge python. Rigsby's tenants have complained and he has come to tell her to get rid of it.  RIGSBY Marilyn? Now look, love. I hope Charlie's not going to take this personally, but I'm afraid he's just got to go. It's not me, it's the tenants. They don't fancy Charlie knotting himself round their windpipes, not even with the friendliest of intentions.  MARILYN I knew you were all against him. I don't  know why. He's just a big soft thing, really.  RIGSBY Yes I know he's just a big soft thing. Trouble is, he's going to get bigger, isn't he? If he carries on growing, we won't be able to get up the stairs without a machete. I'm sorry love, you'll just have to face it. He'll be happier in a zoo.  MARILYN But what about my act?  RIGSBY Well, you'll just have to use something else. What about a couple of ostrich feathers? Or fantail doves - now they're supposed to be very effective.  MARILYN Nah, it wouldn't be the same.  RIGSBY I know it wouldn't be the same, but you said yourself he feels the cold, and the winters here can be something cruel. If we have another one like last year, he's not going to let anyone near those radiators, is he? I'm sorry, he'll have to go, love. (Marilyn bursts into tears). Now don't cry, Marilyn.  You'll upset Charlie.  MARILYN (Sobbing) It's too late... he's gone !!!  RIGSBY He's WHAT ?!!!!! (He inspects the empty basket). MARILYN I was playing with him in the garden, and he just... slithered off.  RIGSBY The garden ?!!! The garden, you stupid  cow ?!!!! What do you want to take him into the garden for? It's not as if you can throw  sticks for him, is it?  MARILYN I thought he'd like the exercise.  RIGSBY Well he's getting plenty of that, isn't he? You'd better get out and look for him, hadn't you?  MARILYN I have done, but he's probably miles away  by now.  RIGSBY Well you'd better make sure. Eh, I don't want to worry you, but that bloke next door's been clipping his hedge. One false snip and Charlie won't know whether he's coming or going! (Marilyn screams and rushes out).

The Cocktail Hour Scene: Alan's room. He is hosting an engagement party, and is calling himself Guy. Present are his fiancee Caroline, her mother Lady Armitage, Philip and Ruth. Rigsby has not been invited, but has plans to gatecrash.  MRS. ARMITAGE I felt I must call round, now that these two are getting engaged. Caroline is very precious to us.  CAROLINE (Embarrassed). Oh Mummy, honestly!  MRS. ARMITAGE So you can see my concern. I thought I should meet some of Guy's friends. I had no idea he was sharing a room with, erm... (She indicates Philip). RUTH Philip!  MRS. ARMITAGE Yeeeees. Philip. I had no idea you came from 'the dark continent'.  PHILIP You mean he never mentioned it?  ALAN I don't remember it cropping up.  CAROLINE Philip's the son of a chief.  MRS. ARMITAGE (Uninterested). Fascinating!  ALAN We want him to be 'Best Man'.  MRS. ARMITAGE Yeeees. Well we were rather hoping for a white wedding. (Rigsby is singing in the hall. He enters, with bottles of beer and a party hat on). RIGSBY Sorry to keep you so long. (He hands out the beer). There you are, Phil - one for you. Hello, Mrs. Armitage is it? How are you love, alright?  ALAN Rigsby!!!  RIGSBY What is it? Hey, you've left a ring round the bath again! I'm not cleaning it. He plays all day with his rubber duck and expects me to clean up after him. Here you are love, get your suckers round that (He hands Lady Armitage a glass of brown ale). MRS. ARMITAGE Guy? Who is this person?  RIGSBY Guy? Who are you talknig to?  ALAN She's talking to me, Rigsby! It's my middle name. I expect you always wondered what the G stood for?  RIGSBY No. It stands for George.  ALAN Who told you that?  RIGSBY You did.  MRS. ARMITAGE Guy, has this person been invited?  ALAN No!  MRS. ARMITAGE Then ask him to leave!  CAROLINE Good for you, Mummy.  RIGSBY Hey, just a minute, 'Mummy', this happens to be my house. I'll decide who leaves and it might just be you. You look like a troublemaker to me.  MRS. ARMITAGE How dare you!  RIGSBY Hey, don't I know you?  MRS. ARMITAGE I should hardly think so!  RIGSBY Yes! Mabel Bagworthy, that was. Used to live next to the skin yard. I remember you on your dad's rag and bone cart. Always had a runny nose - 'old silver sleeves'. Always showing us your knickers behind the caretaker's hut. 'Old Red Hat And No  Drawers' we used to call you. Yes, I could never forget you, love. Strong smell of candy floss mingling with a faint aroma of dead rabbit.  MRS. ARMITAGE Really!!! I must protest (She and her daughter get up to leave). RIGSBY Oh, we're just going to have a game of strip poker. Aren't you going to stay? (He pinches their bottoms on their way out). Suddenly At Home Scene: Alan's room. Rigsby enters to warn Alan against asking  hypochondriac tenant Osborne how he is.  RIGSBY Watch yourself, he's coming up.  ALAN Who is?  RIGSBY Osborne. I've just dodged him on the  stairs. Whatever you do, don't ask him how he is. He's got a list of symptoms as long  as your arm.  ALAN You could show a bit of sympathy, Rigsby. He's not been well.  RIGSBY He's as fit as you are.  ALAN I'm not well.  RIGSBY Don't you start.  ALAN No, I keep having these giddy spells.  RIGSBY Only when I mention the rent. He's never out of the doctors. He spends so much time down that surgery, they've even consulted him on the new colour scheme. He's got his own chair down there. He's only missed once while he's been here,  and that was when he was ill.  ALAN I suppose you think he's a hypochondriac?  RIGSBY Of course he is! My God, no wonder the Health Service is grinding to a halt. It'd be different if he was paying for it.  ALAN He's perfectly entitled to it. He's paid in.  RIGSBY It was different in my day. You couldn't afford to be ill - if they couldn't see the colour of your money, you got the Order of the Blunt Needle.  ALAN Look, they couldn't make you pay.  RIGSBY Oh yes they could. If you couldn't pay the  bills, you'd go out of that hospital on a set of stumps.  ALAN You'd be a terrible patient, Rigsby, you're  so afraid. If anyone wanted to give you treatment, they'd have to bring you down with a drugged dart like they do in the safari parks.  RIGSBY Afraid? Of course I'm not. What about that time I had that abscess on my tooth? The dentist said he'd never seen such spirit.  ALAN Was that when you bit through his thumb?  RIGSBY It was a very painful operation, mate. He had his knee in my chest for over an hour. And he cracked my jawbone, I heard it go.  ALAN What did he say?  RIGSBY He said it was a car backfiring (Osborne enters, looking worried). ALAN Hello Osborne, how are you feeling? (Rigsby gives him a dirty look). OSBORNE Not too good, Alan.I've just heard - I've got to go in. They say it's only a minor operation, but I think they want to get a good look at me.  RIGSBY I'd have thought they'd seen enough of  you by now.  ALAN I shouldn't worry, Ozzy. You'll be in good hands.  OSBORNE That's what I keep telling myself.  RIGSBY Hoo, sooner you than me, mate.  OSBORNE What do you mean?!  RIGSBY Very bad reputation, that hospital. They don't walk out of there very often. Too many rusty scalpels lying around. You haven't booked your holiday yet, have you?!  ALAN Shut up Rigsby, it's a very good hospital.  RIGSBY It used to be. It's never been the same since they lost the key to the poison cupboard.  ALAN Look, Ozzy, don't worry. You'll get the best of attention.  OSBORNE Yes, I've heard nothing's too much trouble for them.  RIGSBY Yes. If you speak Hindustani, that is. OSBORNE But I don't speak Hindustani!  RIGSBY Oh, you are in trouble. You only need a smattering. Just enough to say 'Doctor, I've just drunk from the specimen bottle' or 'Excuse me, gentlemen, I think you're sawing through the wrong leg there'.  OSBORNE Well, it's not my leg.  RIGSBY What is it then?  OSBORNE Well, it's a bit delicate, really. It's a  'gentleman's operation'.  ALAN He's having a vasectomy!  RIGSBY Now listen Osborne. I don't want to be indelicate, but you're a young man, single. One day you might meet a nice young lady, and you'll want to settle down and have children. You won't be able to do that if you've had your firing pin removed.  ALAN That's no problem, Rigsby. Nowadays, you can store your seed. Have them frozen.  RIGSBY Oh yes? And what happens if someone leaves the fridge door open? You lose your son and heir along with the kippers.  OSBORNE It's not a vasectomy!  RIGSBY Well, what is it then? (Osborne pulls the men close and whispers in their ears). You've left that a bit late, haven't you? Are you thinking of changing your religion?  OSBORNE I think that's just an excuse to get me in. I think there's more to it than that.  RIGSBY You think that's just the tip of it?

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(c) Paul Fisher
All script excerpts are (c) Eric Chappell.
Excerpts are as recorded for TV. Original scripts may have contained differences.
See the Rising Damp Scripts book for the complete, original scripts.