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Script Excerpts: Series Four
Related pages: The Story of the Series - Scene Guide - Photos & Stills - Video Clips

 
Hello Young Lovers
Rigsby and Philip are discussing how sexual attitudes have changed.

Fire And Brimstone
Rigsby is trying to coax a Welsh theology studentot take the vacant room.
Great Expectations
Rigsby has airs and graces after hearing of an inheritance coming his way.

Pink Carnations
Rigsby is reading out a personal ad. to Philip - which he himself has submitted.
Under The Influence
Rigsby is arguing with Ambrose about magic and mysticism.

Come On In, The Water's Lovely
Rigsby is worried about meeting his future mother-in-law.
Hello Young Lovers

Scene:
Philip's room. After discovering his newlywed tenants are not actually married after all, Rigsby is discussing how attitudes to sex have changed. 

RIGSBY
Would you believe it? The brazen impudence of it! Under my very own roof! My father would never have allowed it. They'd have been out on the pavement, bag and baggage. In his day, you were lucky if you saw a woman's leg before you got married... you didn't see much more afterwards. 

 PHILIP
Oh, come on Rigsby, it couldn't have been like that. The human race would have died out! 

RIGSBY
Yes, I'm not saying it didn't take place. Of course it did, but only under cover of darkness. They were very fussy in those days - they even used to cover the piano legs. 

PHILIP
What for?! 

RIGSBY
Oh, well, the sight of a bare leg could give a sensitive woman an attack of 'the vapours'. The upper class used to have separate changing rooms, like visiting football teams. There was none of this casual attitude to sex like there is nowadays. Doctors used to deliver babies with bags over their heads. 

 PHILIP
Well times have changed, Rigsby. 

RIGSBY
They certainly have mate. 

PHILIP
I don't know why you're making such a fuss. I suppose if she'd gone to a registry office and signed a piece of paper, that would have been alright? 

RIGSBY
Of course it would have been alright, it would have been legal. 

PHILIP
Rigsby, they haven't made that illegal, not yet. 

 RIGSBY
She wants security, doesn't she? How can she relax and do her wifely chores if she thinks, every time he goes out to fetch a sliced loaf, he might not come back. 

PHILIP
That could happen even if they were married! 

RIGSBY
It's her father I feel sorry for, he knows nothing about it. The first he'll hear is when he's invited to the christening. Mind you, I had a feeling they weren't married. 

 PHILIP
Why? 

RIGSBY
I thought they were too happy. 

PHILIP
Don't tell me they've made that illegal as well. Look, they're above the age of consent, there's nothing you can do. 

RIGSBY
Isn't there mate? That's what you think. I've done something. I got her address off her suitcase, Miss Jones is ringing her father right now. So if you hear the sound of raised voices and a shotgun being cocked, you keep your door shut. 


 
Fire And Brimstone

Scene:
Philip's room. Philip is out. Rigsby is showing the room to prospective tenant Gwyn Williams, a Welsh theology student. 

RIGSBY
Well, this is it. 

GWYN
Oh yes, this is just what I want! 

RIGSBY
(Surprised). Is it?! 

GWYN
I don't want luxury, Mr. Rigsby. Just to 'live simply'. 

 RIGSBY
Yes, you can't study surrounded by luxury, it weakens you. You can't have a carpet with a thick pile, you'd tire yourself out crossing the room. Same with the bed. You don't want a spring interior, it's bad for the posture. Was it theology you said you were studying? 

GWYN
Yes, that's right. 

RIGSBY
Yes, well there you are then. The saints never had spring interiors in their beds, they'd never get out of their pits in the morning! No, if it's simplicity you're looking for, you've come to the right place. How simple did you want it - I could get rid of these chairs if you like? 

GWYN
No, no. This will be fine. 

RIGSBY
Right, that'll be tw... four weeks rent in advance. 

 GWYN
Can I see the college from here? 

RIGSBY
Yes! (Pulls back curtain). You see that dignified grey building there with the arched windows, and the sunlight glinting off the coloured glass, giving off a myriad of light? 

GWYN
Yes. Is that the college? 

RIGSBY
No, that's the abbatoir. The college is just 
behind it - just a stone's throw. If you hear the occasional bang, don't worry, that's the humane killer. Oh, at the abbatoir, that is, not the college! Mind you, some of us think it should be the other way around. Watch your step down there, they're never off the cannabis. 

GWYN
Ah, artificial stimulants. What we need, Mr. Rigsby, is a fresh moral attitude. 

 RIGSBY
My very words! I was only saying the other 
day in the bookies: What we need is a fresh moral attitude. (Gwyn opens his case, revealing his Bible). Oh, The Good Book. My constant companion during the war. That, and a deck of cards. 

GWYN
I think I've come to the right house. There are some people who would have derided me for carrying this, but I see it as a challenge. 

RIGSBY
You're Welsh, aren't you? 

GWYN
Yes. 

RIGSBY
Yes, not many people would have spotted it, but I have an ear for dialects. As soon as you walked through that door I thought: 'Oh, he's Welsh'. But then I thought: 'No, I'll take a chance'. Because, you're not all like Clive Jenkins, are you? But I suppose you miss it, eh, Taffy? The male voice choir, the 'welcome in the hillside', the slag heaps? 

 GWYN
I suppose I shall miss it. I never really thought about it. 

RIGSBY
Well, never mind. If you get homesick, they've got a Welsh collie down the road at No.12. Perhaps they'll let you take it for walks? 

GWYN
Are there any rules here, Mr. Rigsby? 

RIGSBY
Only one - four weeks' rent in advance. 

GWYN
Not that the rules worry me, you understand. I belong to The Primitive Church Of First Day Witness. We're very strict, you know. We don't tolerate drinking, gambling, smoking, bawdiness or fornication. 

RIGSBY
Are there many of you? 

GWYN
No, no. 

RIGSBY
I'm not surprised. 


 
Great Expectations

Scene:
Rigsby's room. Thinking about his impending £50,000 inheritance, Rigsby is singing 'Money's The Root Of All Evil' while dressing himself for a tailors appointment. 

RIGSBY
(Picking hairs off his shirt). This cat's hairs get everywhere. (To Vienna). Look mate, if you don't stop moulting, I'm going to give you a coat of varnish, alright? And don't look at me like that, no-one's indispensable. If you're not careful, you might find yourself replaced by a Blue Persian. Something more in line with my status. (There is a knock at the door). Yes? (Ruth enters).

RUTH
My, you do look smart this morning - tres distingue.

 RIGSBY
Yes, you've heard about my good fortune, I take it, Miss Jones? 

RUTH
Oh yes, Mr. Rigsby. And it couldn't have happened to a nicer person. 

RIGSBY
I quite agree. Well I don't have much time for chit-chat this morning, Miss Jones. Mr. Rigsby has an urgent appointment with his tailor! 

RUTH
Oh, I thought you always went to that man in the market - the one by the hot dog stall. 

RIGSBY
'The one by the hot dog stall' ?! Miss Jones, I'm having a bespoke hacking jacket, cavalry twills, yellow waistcoat and a tie with foxes' heads on it. If you think I'm going to some Herbert who stands by the hot dog stall, you're very much mistaken. Besides, all his stuff smells of onions. 

 RUTH
I must say it's very exciting seeing you rise in the world. I don't suppose you'll have much time for me now? 

RIGSBY
Nonsense Miss Jones, I've always got time for you - I'll let you have five minutes. 

RUTH
Thank you (They sit). I was wondering, since you've come into this windfall, if I could have a new carpet? 

RIGSBY
A new carpet Miss Jones? What's wrong with the coconut matting? 

 RUTH
Oh, nothing. It's very comfortable. It's just that it leaves red rings on my knees. I thought if I had something like this... (She shows him a page in a catalogue) .... 'Tufty pile, with foam underlay'. 

RIGSBY
You mean this one with the young couple lying across it in their underwear? They certainly couldn't do that on coconut matting. They'd get little red rings everywhere - especially the lady. No, you don't want a thick carpet, Miss Jones, they're full of static electricity. Why do you think they're sprawled out like that - probably been electrocuted. If I let you have a new carpet, they'll all want one. (Ruth leaves disappointed. Philip enters).

PHILIP
Rigsby, I was thinking. Now that you have some money, what about a heated towel rail for the bathroom? 

 RIGSBY
A heated towel rail? You spend far too much time in there as it is. You won't be satisfied till it's like equatorial Africa in there. 

PHILIP
You can afford it! 

RIGSBY
Oh, Rigsby can afford it? Fitted carpet, heated towel rail. (Reads from catalogue). Look at this: 'Matching suite in Aztec Gold, hand-painted mosaic tiles, easy-flow shower unit in aquamarine, sepia-tinted mirror'. Sepia-tinted mirror? What do you want one of those for - you'd never see yourself! 

PHILIP
You're too mean, Rigsby. All I wanted
was a towel rail! 

RIGSBY
What's the matter, have we burned our bum on the paraffin stove again?! 


 
Pink Carnations

Scene:
Philip's room. Rigsby enters, newspaper in hand. 

RIGSBY
Hey Phil, have you seen this? This ad. here, in the personal column - between Surgical Appliances and 'Vasectomies without fuss'? Listen: 'Company director, early forties, cultured, sophisticated, lover of the Arts, good food and travel. Seeks female of similar background. Object: matrimony. Reply Box 696'. Says it all doesn't it?! 

PHILIP
It certainly does. You know, I feel sorry for people like that. 

RIGSBY
Feel sorry? What do you mean? Company director, sophisticated, prime of life - he's got the lot, mate. They'll all be reaching for the scented notepaper when they read that. Women find that type of bloke irresistible. 

 PHILIP
Then why does he have to advertise? 

RIGSBY
Because they don't know about him. Perhaps he's shy and retiring. 

PHILIP
He doesn't sound shy and retiring. He says he's cultured, sophisticated. He seems to have a high opinion of himself. 

RIGSBY
Well, there's no need to be too modest, is there? I mean, if you sell pork pies, you don't keep them in the back of the shop, you put them on display. That's all he's doing - he's putting his pork pies in the window. 

PHILIP
We're not talking about pork pies, Rigsby. We're talking about women. Why can't he get one in the normal way? 

 RIGSBY
What do you know about the normal way, where you come from? When you want a woman, all you do is go out and give them a quick burst on the drums! 

PHILIP
No we don't! Give us credit for a little finesse, Rigsby. We paint ourselves in white stripes, hide in the bushes making whooping noises. When they come down to fill their water jars we leap out at them. 

RIGSBY
White stripes?!!! He's a company director! that'd go down well with his board: 'Excuse the white stripes, gentlemen. I'm just off down to the laundrette to leap on a few women'. They'd have him inside in no time. 

PHILIP
At least it'd be more direct. He'd never get the right woman this way. 

 RIGSBY
Of course he will. Hey, listen! Have you never heard of 'mail order brides'? In the days of the Empire they did it all the time. All those planters stuck out in their remote outposts. Young men in their vigour of manhood, never the sight of a white woman. Sitting there night after night, listening to the same cracked record of 'Tea For Two', wondering whether to go native or dance with the house-boy. They had to do something or they'd have snapped. So what they used to do, they would write home for a bride, giving their full requirements. And she'd come up-river with a grand piano and a roll of lino. And they'd live happy ever afterwards. 

PHILIP
How do you know that? 

RIGSBY
Because they both knew exactly what they were getting, you see. It's the same with this fellow - he's given them a very clear picture. It's all in black and white. 

 PHILIP
How do we know it's a clear picture? How do we know he's not some poor wretch who lives a miserable existence in a back room? 

RIGSBY
Of course he's not! 

PHILIP
How do you know? 

RIGSBY
Of course he's not! 

PHILIP
You can't be sure! 

RIGSBY
Of course I can! 

PHILIP
How? 

RIGSBY
I put it in. 

PHILIP
YOU, Rigsby?!!! You're not a company director. You're not early forties, you're not cultured, and you're not sophisticated! 

RIGSBY
Nobody's perfect!


 
Under The Influence

Scene:
Ambrose's room. Rigsby enters to collect his rent from the 'mystic'. Busy toasting a crumpet on a metal fork, Ambrose pretends to meditate when he hears Rigsby approaching. 

RIGSBY
Now, come on Ambrose, my patience  is exhausted. Where's my rent?! 

AMBROSE
Rigsby! You shouldn't barge in like that, you could've done untold damage. My mind was in complete repose. 

RIGSBY
You're lucky. I wish mine was. Come on, where's the rent? 

AMBROSE
I was about to enter Nirvana - the state of serenity and self-denial. 

 RIGSBY
Oh yes? You'd be the first to arrive toasting a crumpet. 

AMBROSE
For the moment, I had forgotten the world of the flesh, but pass me the butter please. 

RIGSBY
You can save all that rubbish for your customers. Not that you get many these days. I passed your stall last Saturday - it was deserted. 

AMBROSE
My gifts are not for the market place, Rigsby. I'm not interested in money. I am a mystic! Like the holy men of India, sitting there all day in their simple loin cloths, pushing rusty nails through their hooters. They don't do it for money! 

RIGSBY
What are you talking about? Of course they do it for money. You don't push a rusty nail through your hooter just to see it come out the other side, do you? Never mind about mystics anyway, where's my rent? 

 AMBROSE
You'll get it just as soon as business picks up. 

RIGSBY
And when's that going to be? I know why there's no-one round your stall, mate. It was that tonic you sold to that woman as a cure for lethargy. My God, it cured her lethargy alright - all her hair fell out. 

AMBROSE
She was suppsoed to swallow it, not rub it on her bonce. 

RIGSBY
(Picks up the bottle of medicine). You couldn't swallow this stuff, it'd take the stripes off a zebra! You know she had to sit up all night with her head in a bucket? 

 AMBROSE
Look, if she'd followed the instructions she'd have been perfectly alright - that's a sovereign remedy that is: that cures rashes, pimples, flatulence, piles, blushes, stammering and foot odour... And it's not bad at getting stains out of suede, either. 

RIGSBY
Oh, what's in it then, apart from liquid dynamite? 

AMBROSE
I can't tell you that, Rigsby! That's a Romany secret. 

RIGSBY
Romany?!!! You're not a Romany. The only time you've been in a caravan was when you had that week at Cleethorpes - and then you came back on the Thursday. 

AMBROSE
I've got Romany blood I have. I could tell your fortune. I'm the seventh son of a seventh son, I am. We have 'the gift'. I can 'draw back the misty veil of time and see the future'. 

 RIGSBY
You can't see the future. Look what happened when that woman's husband came round. We all knew what he was going to do with that starting handle, you just stood there. He was bound to be distressed, wasn't he? He goes to bed with a flaming redhead, and wakes up next to a billiard ball. If you'd have been able to read the future, you'd have shinned down the drainpipe! 

AMBROSE
Look, let me read your fortune. I can read your palm, use cards... 

RIGSBY
No! I don't believe in all that. I'm amazed at the gullibility of the British public. Do you know, there's even a bloke in Brighton reading women's breast prints! He had a lovely pair through the post the other day. He wrote back to her telling her she had a glowing future, and that she was deeply sincere with a sense of humour - she had a sense of humour alright, she'd made them with a couple of oranges. Turned out he'd advised a couple of Jaffas to invest their money in gilt-edged. 


 
Come On In, The Water's Lovely

Scene:
Rigsby's room. He is trying on his suit and top hat for his wedding to Ruth. Philip enters. 

PHILIP
Good Heavens! It's the Aga Khan! 

RIGSBY
Oh, very funny.

PHILIP
What's the matter, you look nervous?

 RIGSBY
Of course I'm nervous, I've got her mother coming. 

PHILIP
Ever met her? 

RIGSBY
No, but there's a photograph of her. Look at that! 

PHILIP
She looks a bit severe! 

RIGSBY
I'm not surprised. Life's not been easy for her. She was raised in India - you never get that out of your system. Looking at her, I wouldn't be surprised if she'd got a touch of the Bombay Crut. 

PHILIP
What's that? 

 RIGSBY
Well it's like the Delhi Belly or the Rangoon Runs, only worse. That might account for the look of discomfort on her face. 

PHILIP
She looks rather superior to me. 

RIGSBY
Of course she's superior! She's a colonel's daughter. Waited on hand and foot. Servants doing everything for her - open the door, fan her... It must have been very difficult for her, coming back to England, learning to dress herself, and mastering 
the complexities of the twin-tub. 

PHILIP
I wonder what she'll think of you? 

 RIGSBY
Yes, that's what's worrying me. You know what mothers are like - no-one's ever good enough for their daughter. What do you think? You don't think I look too old for her, do you? 

PHILIP
No. As a matter of fact I think you look younger. 

RIGSBY
Yes, I should do - I've been darkening 
my hair. Touched it up with boot polish. I 
should be alright, as long as I don't start sweating. What did you come down for anyway? 

PHILIP
There's a man hanging about outside, looks a bit shifty. I thought you ought to know. 

 RIGSBY
Oh him, yes I've seen him. 

PHILIP
You ought to keep an eye on him. He's very furtive - definitely the criminal type.

RIGSBY
Yes, alright. 

PHILIP
Do you know who he is? 

RIGSBY
Yes. My brother. 

PHILIP
Your brother? What are you going to do? 

RIGSBY
Nothing. Ignore him. With a bit of luck he
might go away.

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(c) Paul Fisher
All script excerpts are (c) Eric Chappell.
Excerpts are as recorded for TV. Original scripts may have contained differences.
See the Rising Damp Scripts book for the complete, original scripts.