Scene: Rigsby's local newsagent's. He is there to advertise his vacant room with the proprietor, Bert.  RIGSBY Bert? Slip that card in your window, will you?  BERT Oh yeah, what's this? Another vacancy at Bleak House?  RIGSBY Just put it in the window and not so much lip. It's a very desirable room. There'll be a big rush, so watch out. And I want somebody respectable, middle- class. Not some long-haired Herbert carrying a spare shirt and a brown paper parcel.  BERT Middle-class, eh?  RIGSBY Yes, respectable. That room happens to be adjacent to Miss Jones'. I don't want her exposed to any loutish behaviour.  BERT Very genteel is Miss Jones. Comes in here for her knitting patterns and Woman's Realm.  RIGSBY Exactly. Which is why I want someone pure in thought, word and deed.  BERT Point taken. By the way, I've got those books in.  RIGSBY Oh, ta Bert. Where are they?

BERT Over there, behind 'Practical Woodworker'. As long as you don't walk out with six of them up your jumper like you did last week.  RIGSBY Shut up. (Miss Jones passes him while he's perusing his porn mags). RUTH Oh, hello Mr. Rigsby! What are you doing here?  RIGSBY Oh, hello Miss Jones (He quickly folds up a magazine). Just thumbing through Tatler, Miss Jones. As a matter of fact, I've just popped in to advertise the room.  RUTH Oh, I wish you'd have let me know. I'm having a terrible time trying to find accommodation for the students.  RIGSBY Oh, I'm not surprised, Miss Jones. We don't want any more of those hanging round. You know what they are? Fully paid-up members of the permissive society. We don't want any of them. (Bert tries to attract Rigsby's attention with a pile of porn magazines in his hand. Rigsby pushes him aside). You know, there are certain people who would take advantage of a single woman like you, living on her own.  RUTH (Intrigued). Do you think so, Mr. Rigsby?  RIGSBY Oh yes. Do you know what you need? Someone nearer your own age. Someone who's knocked about the world a bit, who's understanding with a sense of humour (implying himself).

RUTH And where am I going to find someone like that, Mr. Rigsby? (She sees Bert waving the magazines about). I think Mr. Kemp wants you.  RIGSBY Oh. Yes, he's probably got my copy of The New Statesman.  RUTH What are those (pointing to the mags in Rigsby's hands) ?  RIGSBY Oh, they're, er... photographic studies, Miss Jones... for the nature lover. A sort of hymn of praise to the female form.  RUTH Do you mean they're nudes?  RIGSBY Er... yes.  RUTH (Disgusted). I see. If you'll excuse me, Mr. Rigsby. It's rather warm in here. (She leaves).  RIGSBY (To Bert). What did you have to go and do that for?! What's she going to think of me now?  BERT Well I'm sorry, Rigsby. I didn't know you fancied her.  RIGSBY Well, why not?  BERT I thought you only like women with staples across their stomachs.

 
 
 

Scene: Ruth's room. She is wearing an all-in-one pink leotard and is exercising by skipping. Rigsby enters and starts to join in beside her. She stops and covers herself up by putting on a jumper.  RIGSBY Sorry to intrude, Miss Jones.  RUTH Not at all, Mr. Rigsby. RIGSBY I don't want to complain, Miss Jones, but I'm getting plaster on my fishfingers.  RUTH Oh, I am sorry. I was doing my exercises.  RIGSBY Exercises, Miss Jones?!  RUTH Yes, I want to improve my figure.  RIGSBY You couldn't possibly improve it, Miss Jones. You have an hourglass figure.  RUTH Well, I can't help wishing I had a little more sand. And when you know someone with a perfect physique (referring to Philip, although Rigsby straightens up, thinking she means him), it makes you take a long, hard look at yourself. I took an inventory of my body, Mr. Rigsby - and I was shocked.  RIGSBY Nothing missing was there?

RUTH No, Mr. Rigsby. But my entire body was in a state of muscular tension.  RIGSBY What on earth did you do, Miss Jones?  RUTH Well, I decided to do a few gentle exercises. And Philip has shown me some wonderful things to do on two chairs.  RIGSBY Hmm, I bet he has. I wouldn't take too much notice of him, Miss Jones.  RUTH You must admit, he has a wonderful physique.  RIGSBY He hasn't been coming down here with his shirt open again, has he?  RUTH No, of course not.  RIGSBY Well I wouldn't take much notice, you could do yourself a serious injury. To be honest, I don't think much of this craze for physical fitness. I never do vigorous exercising, and look at me!  RUTH Well... yes.  RIGSBY Pardon?

RUTH Well, you could do with some exercises, Mr. Rigsby.  RIGSBY You can't be serious! I'm in perfect condition, ready for anything.  RUTH A man of your age - you must take care.  RIGSBY A man of my age - I'm in my prime, Miss Jones.  RUTH In your prime? The slightest exertion and you're wheezing and coughing all over the place.  RIGSBY What?! Now look, stand back a moment, and I will show you what clean living and a balanced diet can do. (He fetches a wooden chair). I am going to lift this chair aloft by one leg!  RUTH Oh, don't be silly.  RIGSBY I could do this twenty years ago, and I can still do it today. (He struggles, and wavers on one knee, but eventually lifts the chair momentarily, before dropping it and collapsing onto it, breathless). RUTH Shall I get you a glass of water?  RIGSBY If you would, please.

Scene: A restaurant. Ruth and Rigsby are seated  at a candlelit table. Waiters are buzzing round, and an accordianist plays for the romantic couples. Rigsby has the charm turned on to maximum.  RIGSBY Would you like some more wine, Miss Jones?  RUTH Do you think I should? My face is glowing!  RIGSBY You look radiant, Miss Jones.  RUTH Not too much! I feel quite light-headed as it is. I might do something I'll regret!  RIGSBY Ooh! Waiter?! Another bottle! May I say, Miss Jones, I've never seen you in crepe de Chine before. The effect is quite magical. (Rigsby pops a pick-me-up pill, borrowed from John).

RUTH Thank you. I must say, I do like this place. Do you come here often?  RIGSBY Oh yes. It's one of my old bachelor haunts.  RUTH I thought you were married?  RIGSBY In name only, Miss Jones. It was a long time ago. At the end of the war - VJ night. She surrendered the same day as Japan. We resumed hostilites a week later.  RUTH You make your marriage sound like a war!  RIGSBY Oh, it was, Miss Jones. Long periods of boredom followed by short bursts of violence. We should never have got married. There was only one woman I really liked in those days - Greer Garson. I saw all her films. Her and Walter Pidgeon.  RUTH Did your wife remind you Greer Garson?

RIGSBY No, no... She looked more like Walter Pidgeon, actually. Do you know, it's always amazed me why a beautiful woman like you never got married, Miss Jones.  RUTH Oh, I spent most of my life looking after my father.  RIGSBY And he's no longer with us?  RUTH. No, he died a long time ago. He had a heart attack in the street, on Guy Fawkes' Night. People kept stepping over him, they thought he was a Guy.  RIGSBY How terrible for you, Miss Jones.  RUTH Well it was. There was only 4s 9d in his hat when we found him.

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(c) Paul Fisher