Elizabeth:
Yes. Pour me a drink, Reggie! 

Reggie:
Certainly, darl.. Oh very good, yes. (They laugh). Yes, a time to feel warm and human toward one's fellow men. (The doorbell rings). Oh my God! 

Elizabeth:
I'll go. 

Reggie:
(To himself) There you are darling, nice long drink. Thank you, darling.(He drinks it himself. Joan enters).

Joan:
I just called to see if you were alright, Mr. Perrin. You seemed under a strain at the office. (She takes off her coat).

Reggie:
Yes, I was under a strain at the office, Joan, but I'm not at the office now, so I'm not under a strain. I'm alright. It was lovely of you to call, Joan. Let me help you into your coat.(He holds up her coat).

Elizabeth:
Reggie! Drink! 

Reggie:
Yes, please. Oh. Er, usual Joan? 

Joan:
Please. 

Reggie:
Oh. 

Elizabeth:
We were hoping someone would come round, weren't we Reggie? 

Reggie:
Yes, we certainly weren't. 

Elizabeth:
All alone on Christmas morning, then suddenly... (The doorbell rings again).

Reggie:
Oh my God! (Elizabeth goes to the door).

Joan:
Are you sure you're alright, Reggie? 

Reggie:
Yes! I'm alright! Stop asking me if I'm alright, alright? 

Joan:
Yes, it's just that... (She starts to cry).

Reggie:
You alright? 

Joan:
Yes, I'm alright. (C.J. enters)

C.J.:
Morning, Reggie! 

Reggie:
Oh my God! 

C.J.:
I just called round to see if you're alright, Reggie. 

Reggie:
Yes, I'm alright, C.J. (Through clenched teeth) I'm very relaxed. (The doorbell rings again) Oh my God! Leave the door open, darling. Let them all pour in. 

C.J.:
I felt I had to call, Reggie. 

Reggie:
Did you, C.J.? What a shame. 

C.J.:
I'm not an ostrich who buries his head under a bushel. 

Reggie:
Certainly not, C.J. 

C.J.:
I didn't get where I am today by burying my head under a bushel.

David:
Super! 

Reggie:
Hmmm. Drink? 

David:
Super! Sorry. 

Reggie:
What? 

David:
People keep telling me I keep saying 'Super'. 

Reggie:
Better than that Tony with his constant... (Tony enters).

Tony:
Great! You're all here. Gatheringville, Arizona. Just popped round, Reggie, to see if you're alright. 

Reggie:
I am better than alright, Tony. I am 'great'. 

Tony:
Great! 

David:
Super! Sorry. 

C.J.:
Good news is better than no broth. 

Joan:
Absolutely, C.J. (Doc Morrissey enters).

Doc:
I felt I had to call, Reggie. As your personal physician, I had to make sure you're alright. 

Elizabeth:
He's alright. 

Reggie:
No, Doc, no. I'm not alright. I feel like I'm on an endless savannah. Herds of angry buffalo are stampeding towards me from every direction, and I am a stranded water beetle with terminal drooping of the left antennae. 

Doc:
So do I. I wonder what it is? (Jimmy enters).

Jimmy:
Oh, hello all. Christmas greetings and all that kerfuffle. Elizabeth. (he kisses her on the cheek). Reggie. Won't kiss you, aren't French. (To Elizabeth) How's mother? (Reggie imagines the trotting hippopotamus).

Reggie:
Oh my God, no. Not her as well! 

Jimmy:
(To Reggie) Just called to see if you were... 

C.J.:
He is. 

Tony:
Great! 

David:
Super! 

Jimmy:
Oh, just wondered, as I'm here... fact is... bit of a cock-up on the catering front. Christmas Day, no nosh. Kids bawling, distaff side in a tiswas. Just wondered... odd scrap... 

Reggie:
Turkey? Christmas pudding? That sort of caper, Jimmy? 

Jimmy:
Well, yes, if you got 'em! 

Reggie:
Help yourself, Jimmy.

Elizabeth:
Oh, Reggie! 

Reggie:
No, darling. Christmas time! A time for giving. Another drink, everybody? I know! Yes, everybody must have a bottle.(He goes to the drinks cabinet, grabs a handful of bottles and hands them out).  Here we are. Doc. Because greed, you see - and materialism - is the curse of the acquisitive society. You can help me throw off these shackles! 

Tony:
Thanks, Reggie! This really is Generosityville, Arizona. 

David:
If it makes you feel better about giving, then it makes me feel better about ...taking. Even if it makes me feel worse about ...not giving. 

Reggie:
Yeeees. Presents everyone! (He fetches an armful of presents from under his Christmas tree). There you are, Doc. (He hands him a wooden model horse, gift-wrapped).

Doc:
No, no. No, no. This was my gift to you. 

Reggie:
Yes, but I don't want it. 

Doc.:
(Whispers to Reggie) Oh, but C.J. gave it to me last year. 

Reggie:
Oh. (He takes it from Doc and gives it to C.J.). C.J., that's for you. 

C.J.:
I didn't get where I am today by taking a gift-horse to water, after the stable door was opened. 

Reggie:
(Continues to hand out presents) There you are. Joan. Tony. 

All:
Thank you very much, Reggie. (Jimmy re- enters pushing a food trolley).

Jimmy:
Yes, thank you very much, Reggie. Literally saved our bacon. 

Reggie:
And your chipolatas and bread sauce as well, eh? It's Christmas, Jimmy. It's better to give than to receive. 

Jimmy:
Absolutely. Any chance of any booze as well? (A tramp enters).

Tramp:
Excuse me, sir, the door was open. Have you got anything for a dirty old tramp, sir? 

Reggie:
(Smiling broadly) Yes, yes.
 

Later that day: Reggie is stoking the coal fire, and Elizabeth is leaning on the mantelpiece.

Reggie:
Oh darling, doesn't it make you feel warm, and wonderful, and free? 

Elizabeth:
No, Reggie. Actually it doesn't. 

Reggie:
No. Nor me. I wonder what went wrong? 

(Reggie looks around the room). The camera pulls out to a living room empty of presents, food, drink... and even furniture and carpets. Reggie has rather overdone his seasonal goodwill.