Reggie:
Ah, Christmas
morning, darling.
Time to relax and let spiritual values take over.
Elizabeth:
Yes. Pour me a
drink, Reggie!
Reggie:
Certainly, darl.. Oh
very
good, yes. (They laugh). Yes, a time to feel warm and human
toward
one's fellow men. (The doorbell rings). Oh my God!
Elizabeth:
I'll go.
Reggie:
(To himself)
There
you are darling, nice long drink. Thank you, darling.(He drinks it
himself.
Joan enters).
Joan:
I just called to see
if
you were alright, Mr. Perrin. You seemed under a strain at the office. (She
takes off her coat).
Reggie:
Yes, I was
under
a strain at the office, Joan, but I'm not at the office now, so I'm not
under a strain. I'm alright. It was lovely of you to call, Joan. Let me
help you into your coat.(He holds up her coat).
Elizabeth:
Reggie! Drink!
Reggie:
Yes, please. Oh. Er,
usual
Joan?
Joan:
Please.
Reggie:
Oh.
Elizabeth:
We were hoping
someone would
come round, weren't we Reggie?
Reggie:
Yes, we certainly
weren't.
Elizabeth:
All alone on
Christmas morning,
then suddenly... (The doorbell rings again).
Reggie:
Oh my God! (Elizabeth
goes to the door).
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Joan:
Are you sure you're
alright,
Reggie?
Reggie:
Yes! I'm alright!
Stop asking
me if I'm alright, alright?
Joan:
Yes, it's just
that... (She
starts to cry).
Reggie:
You alright?
Joan:
Yes, I'm alright. (C.J.
enters)
C.J.:
Morning,
Reggie!
Reggie:
Oh my God!
C.J.:
I just called round
to see
if you're alright, Reggie.
Reggie:
Yes, I'm alright,
C.J. (Through
clenched teeth) I'm very relaxed. (The doorbell rings again)
Oh my God! Leave the door open, darling. Let them all pour in.
C.J.:
I felt I had to
call, Reggie.
Reggie:
Did you, C.J.? What
a shame.
C.J.:
I'm not an ostrich
who buries
his head under a bushel.
Reggie:
Certainly not,
C.J.
C.J.:
I didn't get where I
am
today by burying my head under a bushel.
Reggie:
Absolutely, C.J. (David
Harris-Jones enters). David, really! This is absolutely...
David:
Super!
Reggie:
Hmmm. Drink?
David:
Super! Sorry.
Reggie:
What?
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David:
People keep telling
me I
keep saying 'Super'.
Reggie:
Better than that
Tony with
his constant... (Tony enters).
Tony:
Great! You're all
here.
Gatheringville, Arizona. Just popped round, Reggie, to see if you're
alright.
Reggie:
I am better than
alright,
Tony. I am 'great'.
Tony:
Great!
David:
Super! Sorry.
C.J.:
Good news is better
than
no broth.
Joan:
Absolutely, C.J. (Doc
Morrissey enters).
Doc:
I felt I had to
call, Reggie.
As your personal physician, I had to make sure you're alright.
Elizabeth:
He's alright.
Reggie:
No, Doc, no. I'm not
alright.
I feel like I'm on an endless savannah. Herds of angry buffalo are
stampeding
towards me from every direction, and I am a stranded water beetle with
terminal drooping of the left antennae.
Doc:
So do I. I wonder
what it
is? (Jimmy enters).
Jimmy:
Oh, hello all.
Christmas
greetings and all that kerfuffle. Elizabeth. (he kisses her on the
cheek). Reggie.
Won't kiss you, aren't French. (To Elizabeth) How's mother? (Reggie
imagines the trotting hippopotamus).
Reggie:
Oh my God, no. Not
her as
well!
Jimmy:
(To Reggie) Just
called to see if you were...
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C.J.:
He is.
Tony:
Great!
David:
Super!
Jimmy:
Oh, just wondered,
as I'm
here... fact is... bit of a cock-up on the catering front. Christmas
Day,
no nosh. Kids bawling, distaff side in a tiswas. Just wondered... odd
scrap...
Reggie:
Turkey? Christmas
pudding?
That sort of caper, Jimmy?
Jimmy:
Well, yes, if you
got 'em!
Reggie:
Help yourself, Jimmy.
Jimmy:
Oh, thanks! (He
goes
off to the kitchen).
Elizabeth:
Oh, Reggie!
Reggie:
No, darling.
Christmas time!
A time for giving. Another drink, everybody? I know! Yes, everybody
must
have a bottle.(He goes to the drinks cabinet, grabs a handful of
bottles
and hands them out). Here we are. Doc. Because greed, you see
- and materialism - is the curse of the acquisitive society. You can
help
me throw off these shackles!
Tony:
Thanks, Reggie! This
really
is Generosityville, Arizona.
David:
If it makes you feel
better
about giving, then it makes me feel better about ...taking. Even if it
makes me feel worse about ...not giving.
Reggie:
Yeeees. Presents
everyone! (He
fetches an armful of presents from under his Christmas tree). There
you are, Doc. (He hands him a wooden model horse, gift-wrapped).
Doc:
No, no. No, no. This
was my
gift to you.
Reggie:
Yes, but I don't
want it.
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Doc.:
(Whispers to
Reggie) Oh,
but C.J. gave it to me last year.
Reggie:
Oh. (He takes it
from
Doc and gives it to C.J.). C.J., that's for you.
C.J.:
I didn't get where I
am
today by taking a gift-horse to water, after the stable door was
opened.
Reggie:
(Continues to
hand out
presents) There you are. Joan. Tony.
All:
Thank you very much,
Reggie.
(Jimmy re- enters pushing a food trolley).
Jimmy:
Yes, thank you very
much,
Reggie. Literally saved our bacon.
Reggie:
And your chipolatas
and
bread sauce as well, eh? It's Christmas, Jimmy. It's better to give
than
to receive.
Jimmy:
Absolutely. Any
chance of
any booze as well? (A tramp enters).
Tramp:
Excuse me, sir, the
door
was open. Have you got anything for a dirty old tramp, sir?
Reggie:
(Smiling broadly)
Yes,
yes.
Later that
day: Reggie
is stoking the coal fire, and Elizabeth is leaning on the mantelpiece.
Reggie:
Oh darling, doesn't
it make
you feel warm, and wonderful, and free?
Elizabeth:
No, Reggie. Actually
it
doesn't.
Reggie:
No. Nor me. I wonder
what
went wrong?
(Reggie looks
around the
room). The camera pulls out to a living room empty of presents, food,
drink...
and even furniture and carpets. Reggie has rather overdone his seasonal
goodwill.
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