Series Four, Episode One:

Reggie's family and friends are gathered in the parish church of Goffley where the Reverend E.F. Wales-Parkinson conducts 
a sermon for the late Reginald Iolanthe Perrin. 

Vicar
The great November gale killed a plumber in Slough, a lady on her way to demonstrate the boning of a shoulder of lamb to the Bromyard Women’s Institute, an aromatherapist from Wakefield…and Reginald Iolanthe Perrin. More than twenty 
years ago, in a church not far from here, a memorial service was held for Reggie Perrin – and he was present in the congregation, in disguise, having faked his suicide by leaving his clothes on the beach. This time, this good man has gone 
for good. The manner of his death may seem, to those who knew him, to be a rather appropriate ‘full stop’ at the end of 
the bizarre sentence that was his life. He was struck by a falling billboard advertising the Royal & General Accident Insurance Company. Ironically, that was the company with which he himself was insured. God moves in mysterious ways.

CJ:
Absolutely right. I didn't get where I am today without knowing God moves in mysterious ways.

The beneficiaries gather for the reading of Reggie's will

Series Four, Episode One:

Geraldine Hackstraw, solicitor with the firm 
of Hackstraw, Lovelace and Venison, and the executor of Reginald Perrin's will, has invited all the beneficiaries into her office for the obligatory reading of the Last Will and Testament of Reginald Perrin. 

Geraldine:
I'm sorry it's so crowded. And I really must thank you all for coming. 

Elizabeth:
I think we were all pleased to come. 

C.J.:
I didn't get where I am today without being pleased to come! 

Geraldine:
Before we start, may I just find out, very briefly, who you all are? 

Elizabeth:
Elizabeth Perrin, his widow. 

Linda:
Linda Perrin, his daughter. 

C.J.:
Charles Jefferson, was his boss, then his employee, then his colleague, then his 
boss again. 

Doc:
Doc Morrissey, ex-medical officer, Sunshine Desserts. Now living in happy retirement in Southall with my ethnic friends. 

David:
David Harris-Jones, long-term employee. 

Prue:
Prue Harris-Jones, David's long-term,
adoring wife. 

Joan:
Joan Greengross, Reggie's secretary 
of long standing. 

Elizabeth:
And blessedly short lying down! Sorry! 

Tom:
Tom Patterson, ex-son-in-law, ex-estate agent, exasperated by all this drama! 

Jimmy:
Major James Anderson, Harrow (expelled). Queen's Own Berkshire Light Infantry (forcibly retired). Founder, private army (disbanded after colleague vamoosed 
with takings). Managing Director, narrowboat hire firm (disbanded after another colleague vamoosed with takings). First wife Sheila, deserted. Second wife Lettuce, squashed by juggernaut. 

Geraldine:
Thank you. Well, it is now my duty to read out Mr. Perrin's will. "I, Reginald Iolanthe Perrin, being of sound mind (or as sound mind as ever I was), request Ms. Hackstraw - or whoever replaces her in the event of her pre-deceasing me...", which I haven't I'm glad to... well, not glad. I certainly didn't want Mr. Perrin to predecease me, and I'm sure Mrs. Perrin didn't. Let's just say... 

Jimmy:
Abandon ship! 

Geraldine:
I beg your pardon? 

Jimmy:
Rather digging your own grave there! Sorry, inappropriate metaphor. All I meant was - awkward moment. Thought I'd save you 
by tactful interruption. Awkward cove, Johnny Tact. Never quite got the hang of the blighter. interruption over, carry on. 

Geraldine:
Thank you. "...request Ms. Hackstraw to read out this, my last will and testament, in the presence of those expressly summoned hereto, to whit - you lot. The Battersea Dogs Home is a splendid organisation. But to leave one's money to it is a cliche, and to me cliches are like a red rag to a bird in the hand, as C.J. might say..." 

C.J.:
It's true, I might. It's a failing of mine. I'm 
drawn to cliches like a moth to a long lane. 

Geraldine:
"...I would prefer to leave my money to more original causes: to form 
a society to provide free psychiatric help to guilt- ridden, overpaid bosses of privatised industries, to expand the Legal Aid system so that it can reach the needy as well as the rich and to provide minibuses so that rich, privileged children can take depressed underpaid English cricketers to the 
seaside. But I won't. I leave all my worldly possessions to my dear, beloved, lovely 
wife Elizabeth..." 

Jimmy:
Well, hear, hear. She deserves it. Good girl, big sis. Never one to desert an old soldier in difficulties. 

Geraldine:
"..and to her intellectually-deprived, emotionally- disadvantaged brother Jimmy..." 

Jimmy:
Oh! I thought you'd finished! Don't much 
like the description, but have to say - would be glad of the dosh. 

Geraldine:
"...who will no doubt need it as there will no doubt have been a cock-up on the 
pensions front. 

Jimmy:
Got it in one! He must be psychic! 

Tom:
Hardly needs to be psychic to predict that! 

Linda:
Tom! 

Tom:
You spoke to me! 

Linda:
Well there's no need to be rude to Jimmy. 
He can't help being what he is. 

Jimmy:
Linda! Anyway. (he gets up). Rest of you, bound to be disappointed. Bad luck. But don't worry. Get into difficulties - all requests for help considered sympathetically. 

Geraldine:
"...And to my dear, dear daughter Linda..." 

Jimmy:
Oh there's more? Sorry, wrong end of 
the stick. Sorry. (he sits back down).

Geraldine:
"...who has supported me through thick and even thicker and who will need all she can get after her marriage to that dreadful arse Tom..." 

Tom:
I see! I've been bought here to be insulted! 
Well I've had enough of that, and I'm off! 

Geraldine:
Sit down. 

Tom:
What? 

Geraldine:
You have to stay. Unless everybody stays nobody gets anything, so please, sit down. 

Tom:
Ohhhh!!!! I was tempted to go anyway, but I can't can I? Bloody hell! Bloody Reggie! 

Geraldine:
"...to that dreadful arse Tom. I love him dearly and I'm sorry his marriage broke up..." 

Tom:
Oh, well that's very generous. I'm sorry if I was a bit ungratious. 

Geraldine:
"...It's not his fault he's a dreadful arse." I'm sorry Mr. Patterson, but I have to read it all. Those are my instructions. 

Tom:
It's alright, Ms. Hackstraw. I understand about instructions. I also was 'in the professions'. 

Linda:
"'In the professions'?" Tom, you were an 
estate agent! 

Tom: You're speaking to me again! Is this a new start? 

Linda:
Do you want a new start? 

Tom:
No. 

David:
Shut up! Well, I mean I want to hear who else, well I mean if anybody else, and if so who, has been left what. 

Prue:
Darling! You were on the verge of being masterful for a moment there! 

David:
I was, wasn't I? Super! 

Jimmy:
Do shut up. 

David:
That's what I was telling people to do! What's the point of telling me to shut up, when I'm telling other people to shut up?! 

Geraldine:
May I possibly continue? "...To Doc Morrissey who, as he gets older, will no doubt need to buy lots of medical books to find out what's wrong with him..." 

Continued in Column Two >>>

Geraldine:
"...To my dear secretary Joan who had so much to put up with from me, and did so much for me..." 

Joan:
Oh, I wouldn't say that. 

Elizabeth:
I would! 

Geraldine:
"...To C.J. I hated him once, but time 
is a great healer..." 

C.J.:
Absolutely! Well said, Reggie! 

Geraldine:
"...And last, but least, to David Harris-Jones and his wife Prue. I have only one word to describe my relationship with David and Prue - super. 

David & Prue:
Super! 

Geraldine:
"...To them all, I leave all my worldly goods to be divided EQUALLY..." 

C.J.:
Good Lord! 

Jimmy:
Scandalous! Employees getting a much as relatives! Oh. I wasn't thinking of myself. Thinking of big sis. 

Elizabeth:
Thank you Jimmy. As usual, well meant. As usual, do shut up. Dignity, Jimmy. Dignity. I think that's eminently fair, Ms. Hackstraw. 

David:
I think... and of course we won't say no... it is very... very... but Prue and I getting two bites of the, er... 

Geraldine:
"...(counting David and Prue as one unit, as the self-satisfied twits are always proclaiming that "togetherness is their middle name.")..." 

Elizabeth:
So that's it, then. Thank you, Ms. Hackstraw. So he's divided his money among us all. Shame on those of you who thought he might have some trick up his sleeve. 

Geraldine:
"...The monies dependent on one condition being fulfilled..." 

All:
Ah!!!! 

C.J.:
Conditional, eh? 

Joan:
Good old Reggie: It would have been almost disappointing if there hadn't been a sting in the tail! 

Jimmy:
Silence in the ranks! All agog. Well, me agog, anyway. Sting in the tail, without interruptions, please tell, Ms. Hackstraw. 

Geraldine:
"...- one, very small, condition: each and 
every one of you must completely satisfy Ms. Hackstraw once every month until probate is completed." I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, I've missed out a page! "...One, very small, condition: each and every one of you must completely satisfy Ms. Hackstraw that you have done something that is totally and utterly absurd..." 

Tom:
That's absurd! 

Geraldine:
"...Precisely, Tom" It says that here - he knew you well."I know that this condition will cause you all consternation..." 

C.J.:
Absolutely. I didn't get where I am today by being absurd! 

Tom:
I'm just not an absurdity person! 

Linda: Oh, I don't know... 

Elizabeth:
Please! Reggie had many friends who could have been here today. Has it struck you why we have been chosen? 

Joan:
Yes! I know! 

Elizabeth:
Oh! You do, do you?!!! You think you have a personal insight into Reggie's mind? Well do please tell! 

Jimmy:
Absolutely. I'm all agog again. Just as agog as I was before. Possibly even agogger. 

Joan:
Well,  I think it's because we - apart from Tony, who's gone to live in New Zealand... 

David:
Great! Sorry, I couldn't resist that! Sorry. 

Joan:
...We are the people that were closest to Reggie, and supported him - in his own words "through thick and even thicker" - through all those projects that were closest to his heart: his rebellion at Sunshine Desserts, his Grot shops, his community for the middle classes. He wants us, by being absurd, to make our individual memorials to all those absurd things we helped him to do. He wants us to (her 
voice cracks with emotion) prove 
ourselves worthy of him... 

Elizabeth:
(Crying) Thank you, Joan. That was beautifully put. Thank you. 

Jimmy:
This man walked into a bar. "Ouch!" he cried. It was an iron bar. Joke. Old I know. All I could think of. Emotional tension, for the relief of. 

Tom:
You mustn't be frightened of emotional moments, Jimmy, they can be beautiful. 

Linda:
Ha! Now he learns it! 

Tom:
Well yes, I admit it. I've learned from 
my mistakes. 

Linda:
Oh I see. I was one of your 'mistakes' was I? Terrific! 

Geraldine:
Er, please? I haven't finished. "I know that 
this condition will cause you all consternation, but you will agree that it is entirely appropriate, since the money you 
will be receiving will have come very largely from the profits and eventual sale of my Grot empire of rubbish stores, which have been largely invested since the late Seventies in the Channel Isles, the Isle of Man, Bermuda, Switzerland, Liechtenstein, in fact almost everywhere except Lloyd's of 
London (who's a shrewdie then?!)..." 

Elizabeth:
I didn't know he'd done all that! 

Geraldine:
"...I'm sorry, Elizabeth, that I never told you - I didn't want us to live on it. Life wouldn't have been a challenge anymore, and Grot was never intended to make money anyway. The decision as to whether you have been sufficiently absurd rests entirely with the beautiful Ms. Hackstraw, who's cold exterior no doubt hides a seething, passionate nature. She has to read this out, although it embarrasses her, while also secretly pleasing her because she's quite vain. Otherwise all the money will go to the Battersea Dogs Home. By gamely reading it out I hope she has shown you that she is not to be feared as your ultimate judge. You must contact her with progress reports and any evidence of absurdness achieved once every three 
months until probate is completed." 

Prue:
I just wondered... Do you have any idea how much money we're talking about? 

Geraldine:
It would be unprofessional of me to suggest an actual figure but, at a very conservative estimate I'd say it would unlikely be far short of... a million pounds. 

All:
A milion pounds? 

Geraldine:
Each. 

C.J.:
Aaaargh!!!! (C.J. faints).

Prue:
Oh my God! 

Joan:
Doc, what do we do?!!! 

Doc:
Oh lorks! I haven't a clue! I remember! 
Phone for a doctor! 

C.J.:
(Doc loosens C.J.'s tie) Go away, Doc. I want to live. 

Doc:
But you've just had a heart attack! 

C.J.:
I haven't had a heart attack, you stupid moron, I fainted. Large sums of money always have that effect upon me. 

Jimmy:
Big sis is right - we've got to go for it!. We've all got to learn to be absurd for Reggie! 

Elizabeth:
We must go out there, and give it everything we've got. (Her voice breaks with emotion) We can't let him down! 

Jimmy is elected leader of BROSCOR

Series Four, Episode Two:

After deciding to work together on a 'bloodless revolution', Elizabeth decides that a leader should be appointed to co-ordinate events. She decides it should be Jimmy, although it has to be decided democratically, at the next meeting in her house. 

Elizabeth:
Welcome! Children of the Bloodless Revolution Of Senior Citizens and the Occupationally Rejected. 

David:
I say! Is that what we are? Super! 

Elizabeth:
I've asked you here today for one reason 
- to elect our leader. 

David:
Super! 

Elizabeth:
I don't think the decision should take long. It seems to me there is one natural and obvious choice. (C.J. stands).

Continued in Column Three >>>

Elizabeth:
I'm afraid you did, C.J., because I was referring to Jimmy. 

C.J.:
What?!!! 

Elizabeth:
You are a businessman, C.J., and as such, you will be invaluable to us. But Jimmy was a soldier, and a leader of men. 

C.J.:
But he's your brother. In my book that's tantamount to nepotism. 

David:
I must say... 

Tom:
Must you? 

Prue:
Do shut up, Tom! Carry on, darling. 

David:
Thank you, darling. Well, I mean, while Jimmy is an old soldier, he wasn't a leader of, er, of very many, er... well, was he? And he does tend to, er... well, doesn't he? And so maybe he hasn't exactly... well, has he? 

Prue:
What David means is that Jimmy wasn't a leader of very many men, and he does keep falling asleep a lot, and there are probably more leadership qualities in David's left sock. 

David:
Well, yes, sort of. If not in those exact, 
er... Sorry. 

Jimmy:
I resign. I've lost the confidence of my troops. 

Elizabeth:
You can't resign, you haven't been elected yet. 

Jimmy:
Well elect me and I'll resign. 

Elizabeth:
I believe we should elect Jimmy as leader. Alright he's my brother. Alright he's no spring chicken. Alright his career to date hasn't been an unmitigated triumph. But Sir Winston Churchill was an elderly man, with no great experience behind him, when he lead us to victory in the Second World War. 

Tom:
I hope you're not comparing Jimmy to 
Sir Winston Churchill. 

C.J.:
I didn't get where I am today by comparing Jimmy to Sir Winston Churchill. 

Linda:
It's all absurd, and it's all supposed to be absurd. And we're only doing it to inherit a 
million pounds anyway, so let's elect him. 

David:
Hear, hear... Well, not exactly, hear, hear. But, well, I agree. I think. 

Doc:
Let's appoint him! He's promised to resign anyway. Let's get it over with. 

Elizabeth:
All in favour of Jimmy as leader (All hands rise, including Jimmy's).

Prue:
I don't think you should vote for yourself, Jimmy! 

Jimmy:
Oh. With you. Bad form. 

Elizabeth:
You're elected nem. con., Jimmy. 

Jimmy:
Thank you. Very much appreciated. Your faith very touching. (He stands to address his troops). I'll serve you to the best of my ability. 

C.J.:
Er,... correct me if I've got the wrong end of the gist, but I thought you'd agreed to resign if we elected you? 

Jimmy:
I did. Changed my mind. 

C.J.:
Bastard! 

Jimmy:
Should be pleased. Need a bastard for leadership. All leaders bastards. I know what you're thinking: I'm thick. Well, two days ago, was. Two days ago, kept falling asleep. You see before you a man transformed, a man vibrated. Wrong word,
but you know what I mean. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the turning point. I realise you're only in it for the money. But big sis is in it to make a suitable memorial for Reggie. With her all the way. Farewell apathy! Hail the Bloodless Revolution! Wat Tyler - forget him. Lambert Simnel - a 
piece of cake. Ladies and gentlemen, we have lit this day such a candle... that we will never need electricity again, as Queen Elizabeth the First once said. Ladies and gentlemen, the wrinklies are on the move! (They all applaud him).

Jimmy addresses the nation

Series Four, Episode Seven:

The day of the revolution. While thousands of elderly, sacked and forcibly retired march on Whitehall, Jimmy and his band of senior citizens gain entry to the BBC and invade the news studio during a live broadcast by newsreader Angela Rippon.
 

Angela:
...And finally, a report that states the teaching of grammar in grammar schools is "...not as good as what it should be..." has itself been criticised for its poor grammar. It seems... that... (Jimmy and co. enter) that we have an invasion of the studio. 

Jimmy:
Don't panic, Angela! Don't panic, Great 
Britain. Violence out of order, plughole. 

Angela:
In a sensational and unprecedented scene,
I am being removed from my seat while reading the BBC News by two burly men who can only be described as "ugly brutes". 

Jimmy:
Yes, sorry about that, Angela.(He looks into the camera). Good afternoon... Great 
Britain. My name is Major James Anderson. I am the leader of the Bloodless Revolution Of Senior Citizens and the Occupationally Rejected, and we've just taken over Britain. But don't panic. Our 
aim: create a land fit for the elderly to live in. A land that respects the elderly. A land in which its people are moving toward the 
best years of their life, and not away from 
them. A good wheeze, I'm sure you'll agree. A land where citizens are never discarded, told "shove off, you're too old". That will be our Citizens' Charter. Apologies to Angela. Lovely lady. Even more attractive in flesh than on box. Ditto Moira Stuart, another cracker! Thing is, we believe in love for all mankind - except C.J. - Sorry, private joke. He's a bod in our organisation. He's a bastard! Sorry, before nine o'clock watershed. Forgot. So, there it is: no more stigma about ageing. Quite simply - a better world. One thing - there'll be no more TV today. Well, it wouldn't 
be a coup if we didn't do that, would it? Still, don't want to do what those blasted Ruskies used to do: marshall music blaring out, scaring the sh... living daylights out of everybody. Love. Peace. No violence. So, all BBC channels for the rest of the day, and ITV if they want their franchises renewing, will play nothing but Barry Manilow records. Major James Anderson, your new leader, BBC Television Centre, London, England... The World... The Universe. 

Geraldine breaks the bad news

Series Four, Episode Seven:

After the Bloodless Revolution, the beneficiaries of Reggie's will are once more gathered in Geraldine Hackstraw's office to hear the good news. What they hear is quite the opposite.
 

Geraldine:
The revolution was a brilliant idea! 

Elizabeth:
Thank you very much! 

Geraldine:
Your efforts were extremely well thought out. 

Prue:
Thank you very much! 

Geraldine:
And very well executed. 

David:
Thank you very much! 

Geraldine:
Unfortunately, I can't release the money.
(C.J. faints).

Doc:
My God, he's had a heart attack! I'd better 
go to him, I'm a doctor. 

Elizabeth:
He hasn't had a heart attack. He just has a violent allergy to poverty. 

Geraldine:
When I visited you, I was very pleased with what I saw - incompetence, squabbling, no clearly thought-out policies. Since then, you've become quite sensible. Oh listen, I applaud it - excellent ideas, a magnificent operation. Millions thought so too. So how can what you did be described as "...totally and utterly absurd"? I would be failing in my duties as trustee of Reginald Iolanthe Perrin's wishes if I'd said otherwise. 

Elizabeth:
She's right, of course. She's absolutely right, I'm afraid. 

Tom:
I suppose we forgot all about being absurd, 
in all the excitement. 

C.J.:
We couldn't see the broth for the trees, because of all the cooks. 

Geraldine:
It's been delightful meeting you all, and sharing in your exploits. Please, don't be too disappointed about the money. After all, most of you forgot all about it in the excitement. And, you do have the 
ultimate reward: you know, in your heart of hearts, that you did really well. And that's more important than money, isn't it? 

David:
Absolutely! Sup... Sorry.(The beneficiaries leave empty-handed).