| The beneficiaries
gather for the reading of Reggie's will
Series Four, Episode One:
Geraldine Hackstraw, solicitor
with the firm
of Hackstraw, Lovelace and
Venison, and the executor of Reginald Perrin's will, has invited all the
beneficiaries into her office for the obligatory reading of the Last Will
and Testament of Reginald Perrin.
Geraldine:
I'm sorry it's so crowded.
And I really must thank you all for coming.
Elizabeth:
I think we were all pleased
to come.
C.J.:
I didn't get where I am
today without being pleased to come!
Geraldine:
Before we start, may I just
find out, very briefly, who you all are?
Elizabeth:
Elizabeth Perrin, his widow.
Linda:
Linda Perrin, his daughter.
C.J.:
Charles Jefferson, was his
boss, then his employee, then his colleague, then his
boss again.
Doc:
Doc Morrissey, ex-medical
officer, Sunshine Desserts. Now living in happy retirement in Southall
with my ethnic friends.
David:
David Harris-Jones, long-term
employee.
Prue:
Prue Harris-Jones, David's
long-term,
adoring wife.
Joan:
Joan Greengross, Reggie's
secretary
of long standing.
Elizabeth:
And blessedly short lying
down! Sorry!
Tom:
Tom Patterson, ex-son-in-law,
ex-estate agent, exasperated by all this drama!
Jimmy:
Major James Anderson, Harrow
(expelled). Queen's Own Berkshire Light Infantry (forcibly retired). Founder,
private army (disbanded after colleague vamoosed
with takings). Managing
Director, narrowboat hire firm (disbanded after another colleague vamoosed
with takings). First wife Sheila, deserted. Second wife Lettuce, squashed
by juggernaut.
Geraldine:
Thank you. Well, it is now
my duty to read out Mr. Perrin's will. "I, Reginald Iolanthe Perrin, being
of sound mind (or as sound mind as ever I was), request Ms. Hackstraw -
or whoever replaces her in the event of her pre-deceasing me...", which
I haven't I'm glad to... well, not glad. I certainly didn't want Mr. Perrin
to predecease me, and I'm sure Mrs. Perrin didn't. Let's just say...
Jimmy:
Abandon ship!
Geraldine:
I beg your pardon?
Jimmy:
Rather digging your own
grave there! Sorry, inappropriate metaphor. All I meant was - awkward moment.
Thought I'd save you
by tactful interruption.
Awkward cove, Johnny Tact. Never quite got the hang of the blighter. interruption
over, carry on. |
Geraldine:
Thank you. "...request Ms.
Hackstraw to read out this, my last will and testament, in the presence
of those expressly summoned hereto, to whit - you lot. The Battersea Dogs
Home is a splendid organisation. But to leave one's money to it is a cliche,
and to me cliches are like a red rag to a bird in the hand, as C.J. might
say..."
C.J.:
It's true, I might. It's
a failing of mine. I'm
drawn to cliches like a
moth to a long lane.
Geraldine:
"...I would prefer to leave
my money to more original causes: to form
a society to provide free
psychiatric help to guilt- ridden, overpaid bosses of privatised industries,
to expand the Legal Aid system so that it can reach the needy as well as
the rich and to provide minibuses so that rich, privileged children can
take depressed underpaid English cricketers to the
seaside. But I won't. I
leave all my worldly possessions to my dear, beloved, lovely
wife Elizabeth..."
Jimmy:
Well, hear, hear. She deserves
it. Good girl, big sis. Never one to desert an old soldier in difficulties.
Geraldine:
"..and to her intellectually-deprived,
emotionally- disadvantaged brother Jimmy..."
Jimmy:
Oh! I thought you'd finished!
Don't much
like the description, but
have to say - would be glad of the dosh.
Geraldine:
"...who will no doubt need
it as there will no doubt have been a cock-up on the
pensions front.
Jimmy:
Got it in one! He must be
psychic!
Tom:
Hardly needs to be psychic
to predict that!
Linda:
Tom!
Tom:
You spoke to me!
Linda:
Well there's no need to
be rude to Jimmy.
He can't help being what
he is.
Jimmy:
Linda! Anyway.
(he gets
up). Rest of you, bound to be disappointed. Bad luck. But don't worry.
Get into difficulties - all requests for help considered sympathetically.
Geraldine:
"...And to my dear, dear
daughter Linda..."
Jimmy:
Oh there's more? Sorry,
wrong end of
the stick. Sorry. (he
sits back down).
Geraldine:
"...who has supported me
through thick and even thicker and who will need all she can get after
her marriage to that dreadful arse Tom..."
Tom:
I see! I've been bought
here to be insulted!
Well I've had enough of
that, and I'm off!
Geraldine:
Sit down.
Tom:
What?
Geraldine:
You have to stay. Unless
everybody stays nobody gets anything, so please, sit down.
Tom:
Ohhhh!!!! I was tempted
to go anyway, but I can't can I? Bloody hell! Bloody Reggie! |
Geraldine:
"...to that dreadful arse
Tom. I love him dearly and I'm sorry his marriage broke up..."
Tom:
Oh, well that's very generous.
I'm sorry if I was a bit ungratious.
Geraldine:
"...It's not his fault he's
a dreadful arse." I'm sorry Mr. Patterson, but I have to read it all. Those
are my instructions.
Tom:
It's alright, Ms. Hackstraw.
I understand about instructions. I also was 'in the professions'.
Linda:
"'In the professions'?"
Tom, you were an
estate agent!
Tom: You're speaking
to me again! Is this a new start?
Linda:
Do you want a new start?
Tom:
No.
David:
Shut up! Well, I mean I
want to hear who else, well I mean if anybody else, and if so who, has
been left what.
Prue:
Darling! You were on the
verge of being masterful for a moment there!
David:
I was, wasn't I? Super!
Jimmy:
Do shut up.
David:
That's what I was telling
people to do! What's the point of telling me to shut up, when I'm telling
other people to shut up?!
Geraldine:
May I possibly continue?
"...To Doc Morrissey who, as he gets older, will no doubt need to buy lots
of medical books to find out what's wrong with him..."
Doc:
I say! Always had a sense
of humour. Dear, generous, old Reggie!
Geraldine:
"...To my dear secretary
Joan who had so much to put up with from me, and did so much for me..."
Joan:
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Elizabeth:
I would!
Geraldine:
"...To C.J. I hated him
once, but time
is a great healer..."
C.J.:
Absolutely! Well said, Reggie!
Geraldine:
"...And last, but least,
to David Harris-Jones and his wife Prue. I have only one word to describe
my relationship with David and Prue - super.
David & Prue:
Super!
Geraldine:
"...To them all, I leave
all my worldly goods to be divided EQUALLY..."
C.J.:
Good Lord!
Jimmy:
Scandalous! Employees getting
a much as relatives! Oh. I wasn't thinking of myself. Thinking of big sis.
Elizabeth:
Thank you Jimmy. As usual,
well meant. As usual, do shut up. Dignity, Jimmy. Dignity. I think that's
eminently fair, Ms. Hackstraw.
David:
I think... and of course
we won't say no... it is very... very... but Prue and I getting two bites
of the, er... |
Geraldine:
"...(counting David and
Prue as one unit, as the self-satisfied twits are always proclaiming that
"togetherness is their middle name.")..."
Elizabeth:
So that's it, then. Thank
you, Ms. Hackstraw. So he's divided his money among us all. Shame on those
of you who thought he might have some trick up his sleeve.
Geraldine:
"...The monies dependent
on one condition being fulfilled..."
All:
Ah!!!!
C.J.:
Conditional, eh?
Joan:
Good old Reggie: It would
have been almost disappointing if there hadn't been a sting in the tail!
Jimmy:
Silence in the ranks! All
agog. Well, me agog, anyway. Sting in the tail, without interruptions,
please tell, Ms. Hackstraw.
Geraldine:
"...- one, very small, condition:
each and
every one of you must completely
satisfy Ms. Hackstraw once every month until probate is completed." I'm
sorry! I'm so sorry, I've missed out a page! "...One, very small, condition:
each and every one of you must completely satisfy Ms. Hackstraw that you
have done something that is totally and utterly absurd..."
Tom:
That's absurd!
Geraldine:
"...Precisely, Tom" It says
that here - he knew you well."I know that this condition will cause you
all consternation..."
C.J.:
Absolutely. I didn't get
where I am today by being absurd!
Tom:
I'm just not an absurdity
person!
Linda: Oh, I don't
know...
Elizabeth:
Please! Reggie had many
friends who could have been here today. Has it struck you why we have been
chosen?
Joan:
Yes! I know!
Elizabeth:
Oh! You do, do you?!!! You
think you have a personal insight into Reggie's mind? Well do please tell!
Jimmy:
Absolutely. I'm all agog
again. Just as agog as I was before. Possibly even agogger.
Joan:
Well, I think it's
because we - apart from Tony, who's gone to live in New Zealand...
David:
Great! Sorry, I couldn't
resist that! Sorry.
Joan:
...We are the people that
were closest to Reggie, and supported him - in his own words "through thick
and even thicker" - through all those projects that were closest to his
heart: his rebellion at Sunshine Desserts, his Grot shops, his community
for the middle classes. He wants us, by being absurd, to make our individual
memorials to all those absurd things we helped him to do. He wants us to
(her
voice cracks with emotion)
prove
ourselves worthy of him...
Elizabeth:
(Crying) Thank you,
Joan. That was beautifully put. Thank you.
Jimmy:
This man walked into a bar.
"Ouch!" he cried. It was an iron bar. Joke. Old I know. All I could think
of. Emotional tension, for the relief of. |
Tom:
You mustn't be frightened
of emotional moments, Jimmy, they can be beautiful.
Linda:
Ha! Now he learns it!
Tom:
Well yes, I admit it. I've
learned from
my mistakes.
Linda:
Oh I see. I was one of your
'mistakes' was I? Terrific!
Geraldine:
Er, please? I haven't finished.
"I know that
this condition will cause
you all consternation, but you will agree that it is entirely appropriate,
since the money you
will be receiving will have
come very largely from the profits and eventual sale of my Grot empire
of rubbish stores, which have been largely invested since the late Seventies
in the Channel Isles, the Isle of Man, Bermuda, Switzerland, Liechtenstein,
in fact almost everywhere except Lloyd's of
London (who's a shrewdie
then?!)..."
Elizabeth:
I didn't know he'd done
all that!
Geraldine:
"...I'm sorry, Elizabeth,
that I never told you - I didn't want us to live on it. Life wouldn't have
been a challenge anymore, and Grot was never intended to make money anyway.
The decision as to whether you have been sufficiently absurd rests entirely
with the beautiful Ms. Hackstraw, who's cold exterior no doubt hides a
seething, passionate nature. She has to read this out, although it embarrasses
her, while also secretly pleasing her because she's quite vain. Otherwise
all the money will go to the Battersea Dogs Home. By gamely reading
it out I hope she has shown you that she is not to be feared as your ultimate
judge. You must contact her with progress reports and any evidence of absurdness
achieved once every three
months until probate is
completed."
Prue:
I just wondered... Do you
have any idea how much money we're talking about?
Geraldine:
It would be unprofessional
of me to suggest an actual figure but, at a very conservative estimate
I'd say it would unlikely be far short of... a million pounds.
All:
A milion pounds?
Geraldine:
Each.
C.J.:
Aaaargh!!!!
(C.J. faints).
Prue:
Oh my God!
Joan:
Doc, what do we do?!!!
Doc:
Oh lorks! I haven't a clue!
I remember!
Phone for a doctor!
C.J.:
(Doc loosens C.J.'s tie)
Go away, Doc. I want to live.
Doc:
But you've just had a heart
attack!
C.J.:
I haven't had a heart attack,
you stupid moron, I fainted. Large sums of money always have that effect
upon me.
Jimmy:
Big sis is right - we've
got to go for it!. We've all got to learn to be absurd for Reggie!
Elizabeth:
We must go out there, and
give it everything we've got. (Her voice breaks with emotion) We
can't let him down! |