| Vicar's sermon
at Reggie's funeral
Series Four, Episode One:
Reggie's family and friends
are gathered in the parish church of Goffley where the Reverend E.F. Wales-Parkinson
conducts
a sermon for the late Reginald
Iolanthe Perrin.
Vicar
The
great November gale killed a plumber in Slough, a lady on her way to demonstrate
the boning of a shoulder of lamb to the Bromyard Women’s Institute, an
aromatherapist from Wakefield…and Reginald Iolanthe Perrin. More than twenty
years
ago, in a church not far from here, a memorial service was held for Reggie
Perrin – and he was present in the congregation, in disguise, having faked
his suicide by leaving his clothes on the beach. This time, this good man
has gone
for
good. The manner of his death may seem, to those who knew him, to be a
rather appropriate ‘full stop’ at the end of
the
bizarre sentence that was his life. He was struck by a falling billboard
advertising the Royal & General Accident Insurance Company. Ironically,
that was the company with which he himself was insured. God moves in mysterious
ways.
CJ:
Absolutely
right. I didn't get where I am today without knowing God moves in mysterious
ways.
The beneficiaries gather
for the reading of Reggie's will
Series Four, Episode One:
Geraldine Hackstraw, solicitor
with the firm
of Hackstraw, Lovelace and
Venison, and the executor of Reginald Perrin's will, has invited all the
beneficiaries into her office for the obligatory reading of the Last Will
and Testament of Reginald Perrin.
Geraldine:
I'm sorry it's so crowded.
And I really must thank you all for coming.
Elizabeth:
I think we were all pleased
to come.
C.J.:
I didn't get where I am
today without being pleased to come!
Geraldine:
Before we start, may I just
find out, very briefly, who you all are?
Elizabeth:
Elizabeth Perrin, his widow.
Linda:
Linda Perrin, his daughter.
C.J.:
Charles Jefferson, was his
boss, then his employee, then his colleague, then his
boss again.
Doc:
Doc Morrissey, ex-medical
officer, Sunshine Desserts. Now living in happy retirement in Southall
with my ethnic friends.
David:
David Harris-Jones, long-term
employee.
Prue:
Prue Harris-Jones, David's
long-term,
adoring wife.
Joan:
Joan Greengross, Reggie's
secretary
of long standing.
Elizabeth:
And blessedly short lying
down! Sorry!
Tom:
Tom Patterson, ex-son-in-law,
ex-estate agent, exasperated by all this drama!
Jimmy:
Major James Anderson, Harrow
(expelled). Queen's Own Berkshire Light Infantry (forcibly retired). Founder,
private army (disbanded after colleague vamoosed
with takings). Managing
Director, narrowboat hire firm (disbanded after another colleague vamoosed
with takings). First wife Sheila, deserted. Second wife Lettuce, squashed
by juggernaut.
Geraldine:
Thank you. Well, it is now
my duty to read out Mr. Perrin's will. "I, Reginald Iolanthe Perrin, being
of sound mind (or as sound mind as ever I was), request Ms. Hackstraw -
or whoever replaces her in the event of her pre-deceasing me...", which
I haven't I'm glad to... well, not glad. I certainly didn't want Mr. Perrin
to predecease me, and I'm sure Mrs. Perrin didn't. Let's just say...
Jimmy:
Abandon ship!
Geraldine:
I beg your pardon?
Jimmy:
Rather digging your own
grave there! Sorry, inappropriate metaphor. All I meant was - awkward moment.
Thought I'd save you
by tactful interruption.
Awkward cove, Johnny Tact. Never quite got the hang of the blighter. interruption
over, carry on.
Geraldine:
Thank you. "...request Ms.
Hackstraw to read out this, my last will and testament, in the presence
of those expressly summoned hereto, to whit - you lot. The Battersea Dogs
Home is a splendid organisation. But to leave one's money to it is a cliche,
and to me cliches are like a red rag to a bird in the hand, as C.J. might
say..."
C.J.:
It's true, I might. It's
a failing of mine. I'm
drawn to cliches like a
moth to a long lane.
Geraldine:
"...I would prefer to leave
my money to more original causes: to form
a society to provide free
psychiatric help to guilt- ridden, overpaid bosses of privatised industries,
to expand the Legal Aid system so that it can reach the needy as well as
the rich and to provide minibuses so that rich, privileged children can
take depressed underpaid English cricketers to the
seaside. But I won't. I
leave all my worldly possessions to my dear, beloved, lovely
wife Elizabeth..."
Jimmy:
Well, hear, hear. She deserves
it. Good girl, big sis. Never one to desert an old soldier in difficulties.
Geraldine:
"..and to her intellectually-deprived,
emotionally- disadvantaged brother Jimmy..."
Jimmy:
Oh! I thought you'd finished!
Don't much
like the description, but
have to say - would be glad of the dosh.
Geraldine:
"...who will no doubt need
it as there will no doubt have been a cock-up on the
pensions front.
Jimmy:
Got it in one! He must be
psychic!
Tom:
Hardly needs to be psychic
to predict that!
Linda:
Tom!
Tom:
You spoke to me!
Linda:
Well there's no need to
be rude to Jimmy.
He can't help being what
he is.
Jimmy:
Linda! Anyway.
(he gets
up). Rest of you, bound to be disappointed. Bad luck. But don't worry.
Get into difficulties - all requests for help considered sympathetically.
Geraldine:
"...And to my dear, dear
daughter Linda..."
Jimmy:
Oh there's more? Sorry,
wrong end of
the stick. Sorry. (he
sits back down).
Geraldine:
"...who has supported me
through thick and even thicker and who will need all she can get after
her marriage to that dreadful arse Tom..."
Tom:
I see! I've been bought
here to be insulted!
Well I've had enough of
that, and I'm off!
Geraldine:
Sit down.
Tom:
What?
Geraldine:
You have to stay. Unless
everybody stays nobody gets anything, so please, sit down.
Tom:
Ohhhh!!!! I was tempted
to go anyway, but I can't can I? Bloody hell! Bloody Reggie!
Geraldine:
"...to that dreadful arse
Tom. I love him dearly and I'm sorry his marriage broke up..."
Tom:
Oh, well that's very generous.
I'm sorry if I was a bit ungratious.
Geraldine:
"...It's not his fault he's
a dreadful arse." I'm sorry Mr. Patterson, but I have to read it all. Those
are my instructions.
Tom:
It's alright, Ms. Hackstraw.
I understand about instructions. I also was 'in the professions'.
Linda:
"'In the professions'?"
Tom, you were an
estate agent!
Tom: You're speaking
to me again! Is this a new start?
Linda:
Do you want a new start?
Tom:
No.
David:
Shut up! Well, I mean I
want to hear who else, well I mean if anybody else, and if so who, has
been left what.
Prue:
Darling! You were on the
verge of being masterful for a moment there!
David:
I was, wasn't I? Super!
Jimmy:
Do shut up.
David:
That's what I was telling
people to do! What's the point of telling me to shut up, when I'm telling
other people to shut up?!
Geraldine:
May I possibly continue?
"...To Doc Morrissey who, as he gets older, will no doubt need to buy lots
of medical books to find out what's wrong with him..."
Continued
in Column Two >>> |
Doc:
I say! Always had a sense
of humour. Dear, generous, old Reggie!
Geraldine:
"...To my dear secretary
Joan who had so much to put up with from me, and did so much for me..."
Joan:
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Elizabeth:
I would!
Geraldine:
"...To C.J. I hated him
once, but time
is a great healer..."
C.J.:
Absolutely! Well said, Reggie!
Geraldine:
"...And last, but least,
to David Harris-Jones and his wife Prue. I have only one word to describe
my relationship with David and Prue - super.
David & Prue:
Super!
Geraldine:
"...To them all, I leave
all my worldly goods to be divided EQUALLY..."
C.J.:
Good Lord!
Jimmy:
Scandalous! Employees getting
a much as relatives! Oh. I wasn't thinking of myself. Thinking of big sis.
Elizabeth:
Thank you Jimmy. As usual,
well meant. As usual, do shut up. Dignity, Jimmy. Dignity. I think that's
eminently fair, Ms. Hackstraw.
David:
I think... and of course
we won't say no... it is very... very... but Prue and I getting two bites
of the, er...
Geraldine:
"...(counting David and
Prue as one unit, as the self-satisfied twits are always proclaiming that
"togetherness is their middle name.")..."
Elizabeth:
So that's it, then. Thank
you, Ms. Hackstraw. So he's divided his money among us all. Shame on those
of you who thought he might have some trick up his sleeve.
Geraldine:
"...The monies dependent
on one condition being fulfilled..."
All:
Ah!!!!
C.J.:
Conditional, eh?
Joan:
Good old Reggie: It would
have been almost disappointing if there hadn't been a sting in the tail!
Jimmy:
Silence in the ranks! All
agog. Well, me agog, anyway. Sting in the tail, without interruptions,
please tell, Ms. Hackstraw.
Geraldine:
"...- one, very small, condition:
each and
every one of you must completely
satisfy Ms. Hackstraw once every month until probate is completed." I'm
sorry! I'm so sorry, I've missed out a page! "...One, very small, condition:
each and every one of you must completely satisfy Ms. Hackstraw that you
have done something that is totally and utterly absurd..."
Tom:
That's absurd!
Geraldine:
"...Precisely, Tom" It says
that here - he knew you well."I know that this condition will cause you
all consternation..."
C.J.:
Absolutely. I didn't get
where I am today by being absurd!
Tom:
I'm just not an absurdity
person!
Linda: Oh, I don't
know...
Elizabeth:
Please! Reggie had many
friends who could have been here today. Has it struck you why we have been
chosen?
Joan:
Yes! I know!
Elizabeth:
Oh! You do, do you?!!! You
think you have a personal insight into Reggie's mind? Well do please tell!
Jimmy:
Absolutely. I'm all agog
again. Just as agog as I was before. Possibly even agogger.
Joan:
Well, I think it's
because we - apart from Tony, who's gone to live in New Zealand...
David:
Great! Sorry, I couldn't
resist that! Sorry.
Joan:
...We are the people that
were closest to Reggie, and supported him - in his own words "through thick
and even thicker" - through all those projects that were closest to his
heart: his rebellion at Sunshine Desserts, his Grot shops, his community
for the middle classes. He wants us, by being absurd, to make our individual
memorials to all those absurd things we helped him to do. He wants us to
(her
voice cracks with emotion)
prove
ourselves worthy of him...
Elizabeth:
(Crying) Thank you,
Joan. That was beautifully put. Thank you.
Jimmy:
This man walked into a bar.
"Ouch!" he cried. It was an iron bar. Joke. Old I know. All I could think
of. Emotional tension, for the relief of.
Tom:
You mustn't be frightened
of emotional moments, Jimmy, they can be beautiful.
Linda:
Ha! Now he learns it!
Tom:
Well yes, I admit it. I've
learned from
my mistakes.
Linda:
Oh I see. I was one of your
'mistakes' was I? Terrific!
Geraldine:
Er, please? I haven't finished.
"I know that
this condition will cause
you all consternation, but you will agree that it is entirely appropriate,
since the money you
will be receiving will have
come very largely from the profits and eventual sale of my Grot empire
of rubbish stores, which have been largely invested since the late Seventies
in the Channel Isles, the Isle of Man, Bermuda, Switzerland, Liechtenstein,
in fact almost everywhere except Lloyd's of
London (who's a shrewdie
then?!)..."
Elizabeth:
I didn't know he'd done
all that!
Geraldine:
"...I'm sorry, Elizabeth,
that I never told you - I didn't want us to live on it. Life wouldn't have
been a challenge anymore, and Grot was never intended to make money anyway.
The decision as to whether you have been sufficiently absurd rests entirely
with the beautiful Ms. Hackstraw, who's cold exterior no doubt hides a
seething, passionate nature. She has to read this out, although it embarrasses
her, while also secretly pleasing her because she's quite vain. Otherwise
all the money will go to the Battersea Dogs Home. By gamely reading
it out I hope she has shown you that she is not to be feared as your ultimate
judge. You must contact her with progress reports and any evidence of absurdness
achieved once every three
months until probate is
completed."
Prue:
I just wondered... Do you
have any idea how much money we're talking about?
Geraldine:
It would be unprofessional
of me to suggest an actual figure but, at a very conservative estimate
I'd say it would unlikely be far short of... a million pounds.
All:
A milion pounds?
Geraldine:
Each.
C.J.:
Aaaargh!!!!
(C.J. faints).
Prue:
Oh my God!
Joan:
Doc, what do we do?!!!
Doc:
Oh lorks! I haven't a clue!
I remember!
Phone for a doctor!
C.J.:
(Doc loosens C.J.'s tie)
Go away, Doc. I want to live.
Doc:
But you've just had a heart
attack!
C.J.:
I haven't had a heart attack,
you stupid moron, I fainted. Large sums of money always have that effect
upon me.
Jimmy:
Big sis is right - we've
got to go for it!. We've all got to learn to be absurd for Reggie!
Elizabeth:
We must go out there, and
give it everything we've got. (Her voice breaks with emotion) We
can't let him down!
Jimmy is elected leader
of BROSCOR
Series Four, Episode Two:
After deciding to work together
on a 'bloodless revolution', Elizabeth decides that a leader should be
appointed to co-ordinate events. She decides it should be Jimmy, although
it has to be decided democratically, at the next meeting in her house.
Elizabeth:
Welcome! Children of the
Bloodless Revolution Of Senior Citizens and the Occupationally Rejected.
David:
I say! Is that what we are?
Super!
Elizabeth:
I've asked you here today
for one reason
- to elect our leader.
David:
Super!
Elizabeth:
I don't think the decision
should take long. It seems to me there is one natural and obvious choice.
(C.J.
stands).
Continued
in Column Three >>> |
C.J.:
Thank you. I didn't get
where I am today without being able to see which way the wind is blowing.
Elizabeth:
I'm afraid you did, C.J.,
because I was referring to Jimmy.
C.J.:
What?!!!
Elizabeth:
You are a businessman, C.J.,
and as such, you will be invaluable to us. But Jimmy was a soldier, and
a leader of men.
C.J.:
But he's your brother. In
my book that's tantamount to nepotism.
David:
I must say...
Tom:
Must you?
Prue:
Do shut up, Tom! Carry on,
darling.
David:
Thank you, darling. Well,
I mean, while Jimmy is an old soldier, he wasn't a leader of, er, of very
many, er... well, was he? And he does tend to, er... well, doesn't he?
And so maybe he hasn't exactly... well, has he?
Prue:
What David means is that
Jimmy wasn't a leader of very many men, and he does keep falling asleep
a lot, and there are probably more leadership qualities in David's left
sock.
David:
Well, yes, sort of. If not
in those exact,
er... Sorry.
Jimmy:
I resign. I've lost the
confidence of my troops.
Elizabeth:
You can't resign, you haven't
been elected yet.
Jimmy:
Well elect me and I'll resign.
Elizabeth:
I believe we should elect
Jimmy as leader. Alright he's my brother. Alright he's no spring chicken.
Alright his career to date hasn't been an unmitigated triumph. But Sir
Winston Churchill was an elderly man, with no great experience behind him,
when he lead us to victory in the Second World War.
Tom:
I hope you're not comparing
Jimmy to
Sir Winston Churchill.
C.J.:
I didn't get where I am
today by comparing Jimmy to Sir Winston Churchill.
Linda:
It's all absurd, and it's
all supposed to be absurd. And we're only doing it to inherit a
million pounds anyway, so
let's elect him.
David:
Hear, hear... Well, not
exactly, hear, hear. But, well, I agree. I think.
Doc:
Let's appoint him! He's
promised to resign anyway. Let's get it over with.
Elizabeth:
All in favour of Jimmy as
leader (All hands rise, including Jimmy's).
Prue:
I don't think you should
vote for yourself, Jimmy!
Jimmy:
Oh. With you. Bad form.
Elizabeth:
You're elected nem. con.,
Jimmy.
Jimmy:
Thank you. Very much appreciated.
Your faith very touching. (He stands to address his troops). I'll
serve you to the best of my ability.
C.J.:
Er,... correct me if I've
got the wrong end of the gist, but I thought you'd agreed to resign if
we elected you?
Jimmy:
I did. Changed my mind.
C.J.:
Bastard!
Jimmy:
Should be pleased. Need
a bastard for leadership. All leaders bastards. I know what you're thinking:
I'm thick. Well, two days ago, was. Two days ago, kept falling asleep.
You see before you a man transformed, a man vibrated. Wrong word,
but you know what I mean.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the turning point. I realise you're only
in it for the money. But big sis is in it to make a suitable memorial for
Reggie. With her all the way. Farewell apathy! Hail the Bloodless Revolution!
Wat Tyler - forget him. Lambert Simnel - a
piece of cake. Ladies and
gentlemen, we have lit this day such a candle... that we will never need
electricity again, as Queen Elizabeth the First once said. Ladies and gentlemen,
the wrinklies are on the move!
(They all applaud him).
Jimmy addresses the nation
Series Four, Episode Seven:
The day of the revolution.
While thousands of elderly, sacked and forcibly retired march on Whitehall,
Jimmy and his band of senior citizens gain entry to the BBC and invade
the news studio during a live broadcast by newsreader Angela Rippon.
Angela:
...And finally, a report
that states the teaching of grammar in grammar schools is "...not as good
as what it should be..." has itself been criticised for its poor grammar.
It seems... that...
(Jimmy and co. enter) that we have an invasion
of the studio.
Jimmy:
Don't panic, Angela! Don't
panic, Great
Britain. Violence out of
order, plughole.
Angela:
In a sensational and unprecedented
scene,
I am being removed from
my seat while reading the BBC News by two burly men who can only be described
as "ugly brutes".
Jimmy:
Yes, sorry about that, Angela.(He
looks into the camera). Good afternoon... Great
Britain. My name is Major
James Anderson. I am the leader of the Bloodless Revolution Of Senior Citizens
and the Occupationally Rejected, and we've just taken over Britain. But
don't panic. Our
aim: create a land fit for
the elderly to live in. A land that respects the elderly. A land in which
its people are moving
toward the
best years of their life,
and not away from
them. A good wheeze, I'm
sure you'll agree. A land where citizens are never discarded, told "shove
off, you're too old". That will be our Citizens' Charter. Apologies to
Angela. Lovely lady. Even more attractive in flesh than on box. Ditto Moira
Stuart, another cracker! Thing is, we believe in love for all mankind -
except C.J. - Sorry, private joke. He's a bod in our organisation. He's
a bastard! Sorry, before nine o'clock watershed. Forgot. So, there it is:
no more stigma about ageing. Quite simply - a better world. One thing -
there'll be no more TV today. Well, it wouldn't
be a coup if we didn't do
that, would it? Still, don't want to do what those blasted Ruskies used
to do: marshall music blaring out, scaring the sh... living daylights out
of everybody. Love. Peace. No violence. So, all BBC channels for the rest
of the day, and ITV if they want their franchises renewing, will play nothing
but Barry Manilow records. Major James Anderson, your new leader, BBC Television
Centre, London, England... The World... The Universe.
Geraldine breaks the
bad news
Series Four, Episode Seven:
After the Bloodless Revolution,
the beneficiaries of Reggie's will are once more gathered in Geraldine
Hackstraw's office to hear the good news. What they hear is quite the opposite.
Geraldine:
The revolution was a brilliant
idea!
Elizabeth:
Thank you very much!
Geraldine:
Your efforts were extremely
well thought out.
Prue:
Thank you very much!
Geraldine:
And very well executed.
David:
Thank you very much!
Geraldine:
Unfortunately, I can't release
the money.
(C.J. faints).
Doc:
My God, he's had a heart
attack! I'd better
go to him, I'm a doctor.
Elizabeth:
He hasn't had a heart attack.
He just has a violent allergy to poverty.
Geraldine:
When I visited you, I was
very pleased with what I saw - incompetence, squabbling, no clearly thought-out
policies. Since then, you've become quite sensible. Oh listen, I applaud
it - excellent ideas, a magnificent operation. Millions thought so too.
So how can what you did be described as "...totally and utterly
absurd"? I would be failing in my duties as trustee of Reginald Iolanthe
Perrin's wishes if I'd said otherwise.
Elizabeth:
She's right, of course.
She's absolutely right, I'm afraid.
Tom:
I suppose we forgot all
about being absurd,
in all the excitement.
C.J.:
We couldn't see the broth
for the trees, because of all the cooks.
Geraldine:
It's been delightful meeting
you all, and sharing in your exploits. Please, don't be too disappointed
about the money. After all, most of you forgot all about it in the excitement.
And, you do have the
ultimate reward: you know,
in your heart of hearts, that you did really well. And that's more important
than money, isn't it?
David:
Absolutely! Sup... Sorry.(The
beneficiaries leave empty-handed). |