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His Life & Career - Reginald Perrin - Rising Damp

Rigsby Online: The Authorised Rising Damp web site

In chronological order of series and episode

The New Tenant  -  Black Magic  -  Charisma  -  A Night Out
All Our Yesterdays  -  The Prowler  -  Stand Up And Be Counted

Permissive Society  -  Food Glorious Food  -  A Body Like Mine  -  Moonlight & Roses
The Perfect Gentlemen  -  Last Of The Big Spenders  -  Things That Go Bump In The Night

For The Man Who Has Everything

That's My Boy  -  Stage Struck  -  Clunk Click  -  The Good Samaritan
Fawcett's Python  -  The Cocktail Hour  -  Suddenly At Home

Hello Young Lovers  -  Fire And Brimstone  -  Great Expectations
Pink Carnations  -  Under The Influence  -  Come On In, The Water's Lovely

The Movie

Alan disputes the £6 rent for the empty room, saying it's too small for the price. (The New Tenant).
I know it looks small. That's the heavy wallpaper.

Rigsby tries to extol the virtues of Alan being in the attic room. (The New Tenant).
There's nothing between this house and the Urals. You're breathing the same air as the Tartars - I should charge you extra.

Alan says his room is too cold to study in. (The New Tenant).
The only thing you study is your navel. You even shave lying down.

Alan tries to justify his long hair by comparing himself to Jesus. (The New Tenant).
He didn't have a hairdryer though, did he? Didn't give himself blow-waves.

Ruth says she thinks Alan is a bit shy, not a troublemaker as Rigsby thinks. (The New Tenant).
So was Crippen.

Rigsby wants Alan's table but Alan is eating off it. (The New Tenant).
I've never seen anyone clear a plate as fast as you. It's as if you're feeding something under the table.

Rigsby sees what's in Alan's saucepan. (The New Tenant).
You're not eating those dried peas again? They get everywhere. They come drumming down the stairs like grapeshot.

Alan says his training skeleton is to help him in setting broken bones. (The New Tenant).
They never let you set bones? Look what happened when you examined Vienna. He only had a slight limp, by the time you'd finished with him, he had a dislocated hip.

Rigsby relates to Alan his first impressions of Philip. (The New Tenant).
Probably never had a pair of shoes on till he came here.
What's going to happen when he hears the drums?
You wait till the next full moon, we'll all be locking our doors.
You wait till we get the 'washing of spears'.

Rigsby is talking to Philip about Alan. (The New Tenant).
He only goes out after dark.

Philip asks Rigsby why his cat is called Vienna. (The New Tenant).
If you take this cat to the door - on a night when you'd have to kick a polar bear out, never mind a cat - if he sees another pair of eyes out there, it's 'Goodnight Vienna'.

Rigsby insists ethnic tenants are trouble. (The New Tenant).
What about that Indian we had here? All that cooking and bringing his friends in. Used to arrive with twenty-four of them in the back of a taxi. I never complained, and what happened? Left, owing a month's rent. (Alan: I bet you squeezed him out). No I didn't! He went on a day trip to Boulogne - they wouldn't let him back in again.

Rigsby tells Philip about his old Captain. (The New Tenant).
I never saw him ruffled. Whenever 'Gerry' opened up he'd just lean on his stick and say "Where d'you think that's coming from, Sergeant?" Everyone would dive for cover, but not the Captain. (Philip: What happened to him?) He got blown up by a shell.

Rigsby tells Philip what he's heard about African women. (The New Tenant).
You're very hard on your women aren't you, making them walk for miles with pots on their heads?

Philip starts packing, as he can't stand the interruptions and can't find the time to study. (The New Tenant).
Just because you're the son of a chief, you needn't look down your nose at this place. This is a very fashionable area. We had the manager of the co-op drapery staying here last year, he never complained.

Alan tells Rigsby that his 'detached, cynical expression' gets him quite a few looks. (Black Magic).
I'm not surprised. They're probably waiting for someone to throw a net over you.

Alan tells Rigsby he's decided to change his image. (Black Magic).
I'm glad to hear it. Hey, is this new image going to clean the bath out after him?

Rigsby is talking about Philip again, particularly his shoes. (Black Magic).
They're pinching his feet. He has to get them off as soon as he can. He has to feel the ground under his toes.

Rigsby denounces Philip's boast that he's the son of a chief. (Black Magic).
All that means is his mud hut is bigger than all the other mud huts.

Alan tells Rigsby that Philip has got ten wives. (Black Magic).
Ten wives? Bloody hell! Of course, marriage doesn't mean the same to that lot, does it? They get married whenever there's a hurricane.

Philip tells Rigsby that he can't tell him his real name because his people believe if someone knows your real name 'they can harm you, work evil with it'. (Black Magic).
We've got people like that in this country. We call them the police.

Philip insists he is a God to his people, with special powers. (Black Magic).
If you're a God, what are those dirty pots doing in the sink? I'd have thought you'd have them washed and stacked.

In answer to Rigsby's enquiry, Philip tells him he is studying Town and Country Planning. (Black Magic).
I bet there's a real demand for that in the jungle. One thing they're crying out for is a regular dustbin collection!

Alan tells Rigsby he sees medical miracles every day on the hospital wards. (Black Magic).
I remember that bloke in the basement. You had a look at him, pronounced life extinct. Three hours later he starts snoring.

Rigsby insists Miss Jones is a respectable woman. (Black Magic).
Have you seen that woman's washing? She still wears 'harvest festivals' - all is safely gathered in.

Philip has told Rigsby his suit is 'dull' and Rigsby says Philip is used to bright colours. (A Night Out).
Give you a bale of coloured cloth, and you'll dance till sunset.

Philip tells Rigsby his favourite colour is black. (A Night Out).
You couldn't wear black, you'd disappear.

Philip insists Rigsby's suit has no flair. (A Night Out).
I suppose you'd improve it with a few beads and a shrunken head.

Rigsby tells Alan his appearance is androgynous. (A Night Out).
The blokes outside The Blue Ram were taking bets on what sex you were.

Rigsby says Alan's trousers are too tight. (A Night Out).
You keep wearing those, mate, and in a few years you'll be singing soprano.

Rigsby tells the boys why he can't wear his demob suit any more. (A Night Out).
The linings of the pockets have gone, from carrying too much small change.
If you put your hand in the pockets, you'd find yourself clutching your kneecaps.
It's too shiny. If I stand in a strong light, I start shimmering.

As Alan fetches clothes form Spooner the wrestler's wardrobe, Rigsby tells him to be careful. (A Night Out).
He knocked a bloke down two flights of stairs once, just for wearing his hat.

Alan suggests a pink-lapelled tuxedo for Rigsby to wear. (A Night Out).
Look, I'm going there to eat, not play in the band.

At The Grange, Miss Jones comments on the torture instruments decorating the wall. (A Night Out).
Yes, that's in case you can't pay. They don't make you do the washing up here, they just screw you up in an iron boot.

Alan says it cost him 10p to get out of the toilets at The Grange. (A Night Out).
You should have shown him your Barclaycard.
What did you expect? You won't get it for a penny here, you know.

Rigsby has a go at Alan about his manner at the dinner table. (A Night Out).
Your choppers are the nearest thing to perpetual motion I've ever seen.
You're the only person I know who sandwiches his peas.

Rigsby dislikes Philip's style of dancing. (A Night Out).
Look at him! He'll be arching his back and passing under the table in a minute.
He couldn't do a slow waltz, his feet are all wrong. If he tried a reverse turn, he'd be arse over elbow.

Alan is worried about being thrown out of The Grange after Spooner has pinched his bow-tie back. (A Night Out).
They won't throw you out - they'll just give you a couple of turns on the rack, that's all.

At The Grange, Rigsby overhears Spooner refer to him as 'the old skinflint'. (A Night Out).
'Skinflint', eh? Just wait till he wants to take a bath. There's going to be a sudden absence of hot water.

Ruth tells Philip he is 'a natural dancer'. (A Night Out).
Dance? Is that what you call it? I thought he was trying to bring rain.

Rigsby is chatting up Miss Jones, telling her she has good taste. (Charisma).
Look at your cups - willow pattern, lovely theme. And your table mats - scenes from the ballet. How many people round here eat off Scenes From The Ballet? You're lucky if you get a beer mat.

Rigsby is telling Alan about a previous hypochondriacal tenant. (Charisma).
We had that bloke down stairs. He was convinced his shoulder blades were deformed. He spent hours looking at them in the mirror. By the time he'd finished, they were deformed.

Alan tries to justify his ear-ring by saying that 'Philip thinks it's alright'. (Charisma).
Oh, he would - he thinks a bone through the nose is alright.

Alan tells Rigsby he needs charisma if he's going to gain the affections of Miss Jones. (Charisma).
I'm not spraying myself with that stuff, mate.

Alan has given Rigsby some tablets to take to calm him down. Rigsby asks if they contain hormones. (Charisma).
What about that bloke down the road, the one who had the cheap turkey at Christmas? That was full of hormones. Three days later, his wife had got a deeper voice than he'd got.

Rigsby denounces Alan's boasts of experiences with women. (Charisma).
The only thing you've taken to bed with you is your Mickey Mouse hot water bottle.

Philip asks Rigsby if he's ever thought of growing sideburns. (Charisma).
Yes. I don't think I've got the strength.

Rigsby puts the cat down before entering Spooner's room. He has broken his leg falling over him. (All Our Yesterdays).
Go on, Vienna. I don't think Uncle Spooner wants to see you at the moment. In fact, I think he'd have your tripes out.
It's not his fault you didn't see him. I can't put lights on him, can I?

Rigsby is talking to Alan and Philip about race issues. (All Our Yesterdays).
Look at Enid Blyton. She got into trouble because Big Ears didn't like Gollywog.

Rigsby tells Alan how he differs socially from Philip. (All Our Yesterdays).
If there's any trouble, you'd be the one to go. He's fireproof.

Rigsby denounces the Royal Air Force. (All Our Yesterdays).
Brylcreem boys. They were a shower that lot. Fought the war in carpet slippers.
None of them could stand heights. You couldn't get most of them up a ladder.
Those mysterious objects standing at the end of the runway, held together with canvas and string? They never went near them. Went everywhere by luxury coach.

Alan mentions the RAF in 1940. Philip asks what happened in 1940. (All Our Yesterdays).
The Battle of Britain! You must have heard about that, even in your remote outpost. They must have beat that out on the drums - 'the battle of the great iron birds'?.

Rigsby is reminiscing about the war. (All Our Yesterdays).
They don't even stand still for the two minutes silence any more. They'd rather hold a pop festival any day.
I didn't take any notice of Chamberlain, mate. "In my hand I have a piece of paper". We all knew what he could do with that.
There were no flags up welcoming me home when I got back. They hoped I wasn't coming.
That bloke down the road.. he was the first to take his railings down for scrap iron. He was the first to put them back up again as well - he kept them in his garage.

When Spooner starts to sing, Alan tells Rigsby to 'show him what you're made of'. (All Our Yesterdays).
I won't need to, it'll be all over the floor.

Rigsby thinks he's shot Spooner when a gun from his war mementoes box goes off. (All Our Yesterdays).
I didn't do it on purpose. I could never hit a barn door.

Rigsby is calling Vienna to come in for the night. (The Prowler).
Come on, this is the night the cat men come. You don't want to end up stretched across a tennis racket, do you?

Rigsby tries to calm Ruth down after she has seen the intruder. (The Prowler).
You'd better sit down. Shall I loosen your clothing?

Rigsby ponders with Miss Jones on the reason for the prowler's intrusion. (The Prowler).
He didn't come up here just to leave a box of Milk Tray, did he?

Rigsby thinks Alan ought to bathe more regularly. (The Prowler).
You've been here six months, the name hasn't gone off your soap yet.

Rigsby suspects Philip may be the prowler, and remembers Miss Jones' words. (The Prowler).
She said she couldn't see any distinguishing features. Well she wouldn't would she? As long as he remembered not to smile.

Rigsby laughs at Alan's claim that the human body is 70% water. (The Prowler).
We'd ooze all over the floor!

Rigsby gives Alan another example of why blacks are not the same as white people. (The Prowler).
Why do they always break down on the M1? ...Standing on the hard shoulder, staring with childlike bewilderment at their steaming radiators.

Rigsby tells Alan what he thinks of the murder mystery paperback he is reading. (The Prowler).
That's hard porn, that is. Handed over at midnight under a plain wrapper.

Philip tells Rigsby that in his country the 'skinning men' deal with prowler types, by skinning them alive. (The Prowler).
I bet they don't feel like sliding down the drainpipes after that!

Alan is shocked to learn the police are in the house. (The Prowler).
What's the matter, your library book overdue?

Alan tells the inspector he didn't hear Ruth's scream. (The Prowler).
I'm not surprised with all that foliage. He can hardly see, let alone hear. He's like a bloody sheepdog.

Alan claims Rigsby's mistrust of him is based on him having long hair. (The Prowler).
Look, I didn't trust Hitler, but it wasn't because of his moustache.

Rigsby makes a comment about streakers, and Alan says there's nothing shameful about the human body. (The Prowler).
Yes, but we don't want it in the middle of bloody Woolworth's, do we?

Miss Jones introduces Philip to the inspector, saying 'he's from Africa'. (The Prowler).
Well, you didn't think he was from the Arctic, did you?

After Rigsby's interruptions while the inspector talks to Philip, the inspector reminds Rigsby that he is conducting the interview. (The Prowler).
Interview? It's more like a diplomatic exchange.

The inspector tells the group they are more likely to be murdered by someone they know. (The Prowler).
You're a real bundle of fun, you are, aren't you?

Rigsby tells the inspector of his wartime marriage. (The Prowler).
We were on ration then. I've been 'on ration' ever since.

Alan has his overcoat draped around his shoulders. Rigsby picks up an empty sleeve. (Stand Up And Be Counted).
Oohh, been biting your nails again?

Alan tells Rigsby of how he ran off after accidentally pushing a policeman over at a demonstration. (Stand Up And Be Counted).
I don't think Lenin would have left it like that.

Rigsby tells Alan the extent of his popularity at the Conservative Club. (Stand Up And Be Counted).
There's only one bloke who ever speaks to me at that club... and he washes the glasses.

Alan insists he's not a Marxist. Rigsby points out a poster of Che Guevara over Alan's bed. (Stand Up And Be Counted).
Who's that on the wall, then? It's not your granny, is it?

Alan tells Rigsby he's not a Marxist, but a Maoist. (Stand Up And Be Counted).
Oh yes? I've noticed your eyes are getting quite horizontal these days.
Must be all those crispy noodles you keep eating.
Unless they put someone up (for election) from The Lotus House, your vote's going to be wasted.

Rigsby tells Philip his version of China's theory of ethnicity. (Stand Up And Be Counted).
They believe that when God made us, He put us all in the oven to bake. He took us out before we were ready, the Chinese were done to a golden turn, and your lot were burnt to a bloody crisp.

Philip jokes that losers in African elections are torn apart between two trees. (Stand Up And Be Counted).
Well that's one way of losing your deposit.

Alan tells Rigsby he is against Labour because of its enforcement of the 'three-day week'. (Stand Up And Be Counted).
The five-day one never suited you.

Ruth is surprised to hear that Rigsby was a tennis player, and tells her of his prowess. (Stand Up And Be Counted).
I was never off the court, before my strings went.

Ruth talks about the Conservative candidate's liking for 'blood sports'. (Stand Up And Be Counted).
I don't know about that. I know he watches Leeds United.

Rigsby shouts at Alan for putting a Labour banner on Vienna. (Stand Up And Be Counted).
That cat's Conservative! At least, he is during the day.

Alan says to Rigsby he ought to remember 'The Depression'. (Stand Up And Be Counted).
I don't need to. I get it every time I come up here.

Alan says to Rigsby he ought to remember the 'hunger marches', but he reminds Alan that he himself doesn't. (Stand Up And Be Counted).
The only hunger march you ever go on is when you go downstairs for one of Miss Jones' custard creams.

Rigsby jokes about the rather limp-wristed Labour candidate. (Stand Up And Be Counted).
He shouldn't be with you, he should be with the Gay Liberation Front.

Rigsby tells the young Liberal candidate his opinions of his recent speech in the park. (Stand Up And Be Counted).
I was riveted. I couldn't take my eyes off you. Your flies were undone.

The Liberal candidate says he's been doing the usual amount of kissing babies. (Stand Up And Be Counted).
The mothers don't do that round here. You could catch anything from chicken pox to beri beri.

The Liberal candidate tells Rigsby he thought 'she was weakening', ie. to vote Liberal. (Stand Up And Be Counted).
Hmmm, I've thought that for years. Probably another false dawn.

Rigsby tells Mr. Platt how his neighbours vote. (Stand Up And Be Counted).
They're all Communists. They don't believe in private property - unless it's theirs, of course.

Rigsby chastises Alan for hogging the bathroom. (The Permissive Society).
Once you get in front of that full-length mirror you lose all track of time.

Rigsby compares Alan to film star Veronica Lake. (The Permissive Society).
You're a lot like her, except she wore less jewellery.

Alan tells Rigsby he has a blind date fixed up. (The Permissive Society).
You mean she hasn't seen you? God, she's in for a shock then.

Rigsby says Alan's only experience of women was from adult magazines. (The Permissive Society).
It must have come as a great surprise to find they hadn't got staples across their stomachs.

Philip says in his country they don't read adult magazines. (The Permissive Society).
You don't have time... you're too busy doing it.

Alan jokes with Philip that Rigsby doesn't know where the erogenous zones are. (The Permissive Society).
Of course I do - somewhere near the equator aren't they?

Alan says he believes in 'love without fear'. (The Permissive Society).
The last time you indulged in love without fear, you spent three days under that bed hiding from her father.

Rigsby recalls how 'the purity of a woman' was the most important gift a woman could give to a man on his wedding night. (The Permissive Society).
Now he has to make do with a set of cufflinks.

Rigsby reminds the boys on his rule about bringing women back to the house. (The Permissive Society).
Just remember the permissive society stops at that front door - we don't want any of it in here.

A depressed Miss Jones tells Rigsby she felt like throwing herself into the canal. (The Permissive Society).
You wouldn't get much of a splash out of that canal, it's too full of prams.
If you were thinking of doing anything like that, it'd be better to drink it.

Miss Jones says the man who has rejected her stopped taking her his dirty laundry for her to wash, a sure sign that 'it's over'. (The Permissive Society).
You don't know that. He mght be using a laundrette.

Alan compares a woman to a finely-tuned piano, but admits that last night he did experience some resistance. (The Permissive Society).
You mean you couldn't get the lid up?

Alan describes the previous night's scene at a girl's flat, including 'Tchaikovsky in the background'. (The Permissive Society).
Oh, he was there as well, was he?

Rigsby wonders if Miss Jones would submit to a few French phrases, but remembers her recent depression. (The Permissive Society).
I don't think she's in the mood for 'factory chimneys'.

Rigsby regrets his wartime marriage. (The Permissive Society).
It was a military blunder on the scale of Anzio.

Rigsby says he always wanted to marry a woman like Greer Garson, as he'd seen all her films with Walter Pidgeon. Alan asks if his wife was like Greer Garson. (The Permissive Society).
No - she was more like Walter Pdgeon.

After finding him in Miss Jones' room, Alan is about to go out when an angry Rigsby enters. (The Permissive Society).
You can't go out, the sun's up. You should be resting in your coffin, you bloody vampire.

Rigsby says 'the permissive society' doesn't exist. (The Permissive Society).
I should know, I've looked for it.

Rigsby says the birds never appreciate his offerings of food. (Food Glorious Food).
They just sit in a line, waiting for me to wax the Cortina.
You'd think, if I was going to feed one end they'd show a bit of respect at the other.

Rigsby says he was harpooned by a Lifeboat Institute flagseller, causing an infection. (Food Glorious Food).
They owe me a few deep-sea rescues, that lot do.

Rigsby tells Philip why he's glad he's not black. (Food Glorious Food).
There are certain disadvantages with your pigmentation - like a dimly-lit street and a ten-ton lorry.

Rigsby gives Philip his description of Africa. (Food Glorious Food).
Lovely climate, clear skies, blue sea. The only trouble is, the beach goes back 500 miles.

Rigsby tells Alan why the Africans weren't very industrious. (Food Glorious Food).
They just laid out under the palms and read the Kama Sutra.

Rigsby tells Alan that half of Africans won't eat the 'sacred cow', while some believe in reincarnation. (Food Glorious Food).
They won't eat anything, in case it's someone they knew.
That's why they won't do any digging. If they put a spade through a worm, they think they've cut granny in half.

While discussing food, Philip asks Rigsby if he would eat Vienna if he were starving. Rigsby picks up the cat. (Food Glorious Food).
I shall have to cover his ears if you carry on like this.

Philip says that the ingredients of cat food should go to feed people. (Food Glorious Food).
It does. Pakistanis love it. Goes down very nice with a touch of curry powder.
You drop a Pakistani from any height, he'll always land on his feet.

Rigsby insists that during the war he and comrades went without food for a whole week. (Food Glorious Food).
We were the only battalion that didn't eat the mascot.

Alan says he needs a regular food supply, as he's still growing. (Food Glorious Food).
Yes, like a big black cloud.

Rigsby objects to the fluoride in the water, the only drink he's allowed during his fast. Alan says it would harden his teeth. (Food Glorious Food).
I don't want my teeth hardening, I'm not going to be eating anything, am I?

Rigsby is talking to a hungry Vienna about the lack of food. (Food Glorious Food).
I've got nothing. I've been chewing my pyjama cord all night.

Rigsby claims Alan is wafting cooking smells down the stairs on purpose. (Food Glorious Food).
At least you could have had a salad, shown some respect.

Alan says Rigsby needs a distraction from his food fast and suggests TV. (Food Glorious Food).
Nah, there's just Fanny Craddock on one side, and the Galloping Gourmet on the other.

Rigsby chastises Vienna for only ever wanting to be fed, and nothing more. (Food Glorious Food).
If you could handle a tin opener, we wouln't see you for smoke, would we?

Rigsby's fed up with his fast. Alan asks where's his backbone? (Food Glorious Food).
If I go on like this, you'll be able to see it.

Rigsby offers to split the prize money with Alan, but Alan says it wouldn't be honest. (Food Glorious Food).
Listen, my teeth are loose and my hair's dropping out - this is no time to turn honest!

With Rigsby's desperation to get food, Alan reminds him that Miss Jones has dressed the bird table. (Food Glorious Food).
Oh, thank you. I suppose you'd like to see me hanging upside down, chewing on a piece of bacon rind?

Miss Jones is on a fitness kick. She tells Rigsby she was shocked when she took an inventory of her body. (A Body Like Mine).
Nothing missing, was there?

Rigsby excuses his being carried home from the supermarket. (A Body Like Mine).
I went down a bit too quick for a tin of dried peas, and just locked.

Alan tells Rigsby he is weigtlifting to 'develop his body'. Rigsby say he'll never keep it up. (A Body Like Mine).
The only thing you'll develop is a hernia.
You get tired brushing your hair.
And what's going to happen when all that muscle turns to fat? You'll look like something left out of the fridge all night.

Rigsby gives his opinions on today's footballers. (A Body Like Mine).
Have you seen them? Prancing round the field like a bunch of male models.
In my day when you scored a goal, all you got was a brisk handshake - now you get covered in lovebites.
The fullbacks used to come at you like butcher's dogs. If they caught you right, you could end up at the back of the stand.

Rigsby is jealous that Philip managed to unscrew Ruth's jam jar lid. (A Body Like Mine).
Did you see the look of superiority on his face? That was a definite setback for the white races.

Rigsby says Miss Jones could be useful to Philip in Africa, but Alan asks how, as he's got ten (black) wives already. (A Body Like Mine).
Well... as a marker.

Philip asks if Rigsby is watching the England v. West Indies cricket match on TV. (A Body Like Mine).
I happen to be a proud owner of a colour television. I'm not watching something that looks the same in black and white.

Rigsby voices his dislike of German arrogance, after they won a recent football game. (A Body Like Mine).
After that second goal, I thought they were going to break in to the goose-step.

Rigsby says Mohammed Ali only wins because he talks his opponents into submission. (A Body Like Mine).
He engages them in some witty repartee then, as they're trying to think of an answer, he clouts them round the back of the ear.

Rigsby's boxing past re-emerges, as he dons a pair of boxing gloves. (A Body Like Mine).
What do you think these are? They weren't to stop me biting my nails, you know.

Alan reassures Rigsby that at the first sign of blood, the boxing match will be stopped. (A Body Like Mine).
Don't give me that - the first sign of blood, and you'll faint.

Alan is fantasising and dancing around the room singing 'A Room With A View', as Rigsby enters. (Moonlight and Roses).
'Room With A View'? You go on like that, you'll have a room alright, but it won't have a view, it'll be made of rubber.

Rigsby says romanticism doesn't work in the local vicinity. (Moonlight and Roses).
It's alright for Noel Coward. I bet he didn't try it with any of the women round here.
If he crept up behind them in a silk dressing gown, he'd find his fag-holder shoved down the back of his throat.

Rigsby gives his opinion on romance. (Moonlight and Roses).
You end up in some expensive restaurant, with a glass full of chopped fruit and eating meat off a flaming sword.
And then up come the 'genuine gypsy violinists' - day workers from Ford's.

Rigsby questions Alan's sensitivity when he discovers Ruth's belongings packed. (Moonlight and Roses).
You're about as sensitive as a rubber kosh.

Alan says Rigsby should let the tears come, as it would make him feel better.
The only thing that'll make me feel better is shaking hands with your windpipe.

Rigsby is trying to sell the vacant room to Brenda. (Moonlight and Roses).
It's quite a nice view, now they've painted the gasometer.

Rigsby is disgusted to hear Brenda's tales of perversion during her nude modelling sessions. (Moonlight and Roses).
I can admire the perfection of the female form without having to throw my leg over it.

Alan tells Rigsby he has a complaint. (The Perfect Gentleman).
I'm not surprised. You should eat more fresh vegetables.

Rigsby tells Philip to be grateful to Seymour, an ex-African missionary. (The Perfect Gentleman).
He stopped you shrinking heads and eating each other.

Seymour invites Rigsby back to his manor. (The Perfect Gentleman).
Ooh I shall have to put the old cord back in the pyjamas now!

Seymour tells Rigsby that Philip has been giving him some very black looks. (The Perfect Gentleman).
He couldn't give you any other kind, could he?

Rigsby admits to never having played golf, although he says he has a feeling for the game. (The Perfect Gentleman).
I did very well one year on 'the front' at Skegness, until I got stuck in one of those little wooden windmills.

Rigsby tells Seymour how his golf practice is coming on. (The Perfect Gentleman).
I can put seven into the downstairs lav from the landing.

Talking about thieves, Philip reminds Rigsby about his brother and the sports jacket. (The Perfect Gentleman).
He took it out of the shop to see how it looked in the daylight.
He might have had a blackout. My mate came to outside Marks & Spencer's clutching a black chiffon nightie.

Rigsby imagines himself finally accepted into upper class society. (The Perfect Gentleman).
I can just see myself swannig down the golf club in my chunky sweater, with two matching terriers like bookends.

Seymour has promised Rigsby to invite the mayor round, and warns his cat Vienna. (The Perfect Gentleman).
Don't go doing anything in any dark corners.

Alan tells Rigsby he has a 'delicate' problem. (Last Of The Big Spenders).
It's not bedwetting is it?

Alan tells Rigsby he has never been interested in football. (Last Of The Big Spenders).
Yes, it's always been karate or kung-fu, or something else from the land of the bandy legs with you, hasn't it?

Alan has asked Rigsby to lend him some money. Rigsby suggests he ask Philip. (Last Of The Big Spenders).
I'm sure he could run to a few bags of salt and an elephant's tusk.

Rigsby says society has put paid to his dream of retiring to the coast. (Last Of The Big Spenders).
I'll probably end up down the local library, clinging to the radiators.

Brenda admires Rigsby's cat Vienna. (Last Of The Big Spenders).
I must get after him with the pwder, he's been scratching himself silly all day.

Rigsby agrees with Philip that Brenda is the sort of girl who could bleed Alan white. (Last Of The Big Spenders).
Mind you, you've got a definite advantage there.

With Brenda expecting a night out on Rigsby, Philip says he'll have to raid his piggybank. (Last Of The Big Spenders).
I can't take her out with a hundredweight of copper in my pockets.
Suppose she sits on my lap, I'll cut her to ribbons.

Rigsby advises the gas man against cutting off his supply. (Last Of The Big Spenders).
We've got an African chief upstairs. You cut his gas off, it could be a diplomatic incident.

Rigsby argues with the bailiffs about his impending night in with Brenda. (Last Of The Big Spenders).
She's expecting an unbridled night of luxury, not a roll on the lino.

They bailiffs tell Rigsby his date (Brenda) won't even know they are there. (Last Of The Big Spenders).
She'll have a bloody good idea when the furniture starts to disappear, won't she?

Rigsby says it's his duty to keep Alan 'on the straight and narrow'. (Things That Go Bump In The Night).
You've already knocked off Holy Communion and the scouts. Where's it going to end?

Alan tells Rigsby he's been to see the film 'Doctor Zhivago'. Rigsby thinks he's a real doctor. (Things That Go Bump In The Night).
Oh. What did he say?

Rigsby laughs at Alan's fear of horror films. (Things That Go Bump In The Night).
You get frightened watching Scooby Doo.
Look what happened when we watched 'Psycho' - you went to the toilet 14 times.

Alan laughs off the existence of vampires by asking Rigsby if he's ever seen one. (Things That Go Bump In The Night).
Get down the tax office.

Rigsby tells Alan that Philip's race are very superstitious. (Things That Go Bump In The Night).
You know, when they first had petrol stations out there, they spent three years worshipping the pumps.

Rigsby has been scared by Alan's appearance as The Grey Lady, and thinks his mind is playing tricks. (Things That Go Bump In The Night).
I knew I shouldn't have had that Double Gloucester.

Rigsby suggests the Grey Lady may have been a Salvation Army officer, but his description of a wailing sound puzzles Philip. (Things That Go Bump In The Night).
Mind you, you should hear them on Sundays.

Philip suggests The Grey Lady may be trying to contact Rigsby. (Things That Go Bump In The Night).
Well I wish she'd give me a ring, instead of leaping out and frightening me to death.

Brenda says The Grey Lady might manifest herself during their seance. (Things That Go Bump In The Night).
She won't be the only one.

The vicar suggests the curate, a cricket fan, would be better to conduct Rigsby's requested exorcism. (Things That Go Bump In The Night).
I don't want him coming round here hitting The Devil for six and playing a straight bat.

Rigsby is having a miserable Christmas - on his own. (For The Man Who Has Everything).
I can't even find anyone to pull my cracker.

Rigsby accuses milkman Fred of spending mornings with one of his female customers, his milk float always parked in the road. (For The Man Who Has Everything).
The Council have been waiting three months to clean that gutter.

Alan is surprised to see Rigsby in his room, as he was supposed to be spending Christmas at his brother's. (For The Man Who Has Everything).
Who did you think it was, The Ghost Of Christmas Past?

Rigsby says the paperboy won't get a Christmas gift from him. (For The Man Who Has Everything).
Have you seen what he's written on that front gate? 'Martin Borman Lives Here'.

Alan has given Rigsby some bath salts. Rigsby thinks he's implying something. Alan says 'It's the thought that counts'. (For The Man Who Has Everything).
It's the thought that worries me.

Rigsby is surprised that his wish over his turkey's wishbone has come true. (For The Man Who Has Everything).
It's never worked before. It must be all those hormones they keep feeding them.

Rigsby thinks Brenda's appearance in her negligee was for Rigsby's benefit. (For The Man Who Has Everything).
I did want something warm for Christmas. It certainly beats stringback gloves and a chunky sweater.

Rigsby tells alan about his success with women on V. J. night at the end of the war. (For The Man Who Has Everything).
Japan weren't the only ones who surrended that night, I'll tell you.

Rigsby thinks Philip's girlfriend Lucy is Philip's present to Rigsby from Africa, although she is from Northampton. (For The Man Who Has Everything).
You'll find things easier here. No walking for miles with a pot on your head.
It's the same with the washing - no need to hump it down to the river.
There's no need to walk ten paces behind me when we go to Tesco's.
There's no need to call me 'Bwana'.

Alan asks Rigsby what the food was like on the Costa Brava. (That's My Boy).
Greasy. (Alan: "And the people?") About the same.

Alan comments on the large amount of city labels on Rigsby's suitcase. (That's My Boy).
Yes, that'll raise a few eyebrows when I take the washing down the laundrette.
I got them off a bloke's case at London airport.
You know what they're like round here. You've got to cross the Sahara on a camel before thhey'll take any notice of you.

Alan is babysitting and trying to hide the baby from Rigsby. Rigsby sees the rusk and baby's bottle of milk. Alan says they're his. (That's My Boy).
My God, I've heard of being retarded, but this is ridiculous.
If you get a sudden urge to roll onto your back and suck your big toe - resist it.

After discovering the baby, Alan insists that the infant likes him. (That's My Boy).
You can see why - all that hair, he thinks your his mother.

Miss Jones tells Rigsby that a few words of admiration to a baby keeps them regular. (That's My Boy).
We always had syrup of figs.

Rigsby tells Miss Jones of his fondness for children. (That's My Boy).
I was Father Christmas every year down the British Legion, until one of them set fire to my beard.

Philip says the baby looks 'plain'. (That's My Boy).
I suppose he would to you. If he had half a dozen rings round his neck and was covered in warpaint, he'd look marvellous.

Rigsby suggests singing to the baby to stop him crying. Alan and Philip ask why should they? (That's My Boy).
Because I'll put your rent up if you don't, that's why.

Philip's peering into the cot has started the baby crying again.Rigsby reassures the baby. (That's My Boy).
It's alright, The dark gentleman didn't mean it. He comes from where the sun's very hot, and he needs to be heat-resistant like a non-stick pan.
It's alright, he won't eat you. His Dadda might, but he won't.

Alan says he has a lot in common with 'resting' actor Hilary. (Stage Struck).
Yes, the same crippling fear of manual labour.

Alan tells Rigsby that Hilary just missed out on a part in Oh, Calcutta! (Stage Struck).
What happened, didn't he measure up?

Alan plagues Rigsby that he doesn't know what a moussaka is. (Stage Struck).
Of course I know - you all join hands and dance round in a circle.

Alan tells Rigsby that Hilary has written a play. (Stage Struck).
It's all he can do to leave a note for the milkman.

Alan reads out the synopsis from Hilary's new play. (Stage Struck).
Oh my God, sounds like another 'Play For Today'.

Alan says Hilary's play tackles violence in modern society. (Stage Struck).
Violence? He's only got to break a nail, he takes to his bed for the rest of the day.

Hilary says all the cat-calls during his last nude scene 'left a scar'. (Stage Struck).
What happened then, did you get a splinter up your carte-blanche?

Alan says he's just washed his hair, and he can't do a thing with it. (Stage Struck).
Can't do a lot with the sink now, either.

Alan insists Hilary's decision to cast him as the lead in his play will give him his break as an actor. (Stage Struck).
Act? You can't even speak properly.

Alan says his acting experience will improve his virility. (Stage Struck).
Virility? You've got about as much virility as a wooden rocking horse.

Philip asks what is troubling alan as he passes him on the stairs. (Stage Struck).
Nothing. He gets this sudden yearning for culture. He burns all his pin-ups and starts playing classical records.

Philip talks to Rigsby about 'cultural evenings'. (Stage Struck).
Before you came here, your idea of a 'cultural evening' was running round with someone's head on a pole.

During play rehearsals, Hilary instructs Ruth that she is 'consumed with pasion' for Alan. (Stage Struck).
Is this a comedy?

Rigsby finds the kiss between Alan and Ruth's characters hilarious. (Stage Struck).
You're supposed to be kissing her, not licking an envelope.

Alan says homosexuality is no longer taboo, as the government has made it legal. (Stage Struck).
I'm not surprised with that lot. It's a wonder they didn't make it compulsory.

Rigsby tells Alan of soldiers' wartime tendency towards fellow soldiers. (Stage Struck).
It wasn't only the Africa Corps you had to watch out for then, mate.

Alan asks Rigsby what he can do to allay the homosexual advances of Hilary. (Stage Struck).
There's only one thing you can do - keep your hand on your ha'penny.

Rigsby tells Miss Jones she'd be wasting her time chatting up the camp Hilary. (Stage Struck).
Like an empty slot machine - you put your money in, but nothing comes out.

Rigsby tells Alan why hedecide against buying a Mini motor car. (Clunk Click).
They're too small. You could lose them in a pile of dead leaves.

Rigsby gives Alan an example of the speed of his car (Clunk Click).
You could go fifty miles for a bag of chips in this car and they'd still be warm when you got home.

Cut scene: Rigsby tries to justify overtaking a man at traffic lights. (Clunk Click).
I thought you were training for a funeral.

Cut scene: An angry driver derides Rigsby's driving, claiming it has made his dog ill. (Clunk Clink).
I'm not surprised. You should get in the back window and let him drive.

When Ruth says she never learned to drive because of drivers' "bad temper and swearing", Rigsby thinks she's talking about herself. (Clunk Click).
You could always try counting up to ten, Miss Jones.

Rigsby tells Philip why he nearly hit him driving at night, although avoiding Vienna. (Clunk Click).
I could see him better.

Rigsby tells Philip that a car is essential in this country. (Clunk Click).
You can't travel by jungle creeper round here, you know.

Rigsby tries to reassure Ruth that her fox-fur stole is right for the occasion. (Clunk Click).
It'll be fine, as long as Peter Scott doesn't turn up.

New tenant Mr. Gray remarks on the water running down the walls of his room. (The Good Samaritan).
What did you expect, champagne?
Just don't lean against the wallpaper, unless you want to be covered in Regency stripes.

The new tenant says he's reached the lowest of the low when he accepts Rigsby's vacant room. (The Good Samaritan).
You haven't seen the basement - loose-fitting windows. The last fella down there woke up every Autumn covered in dead leaves.

Rigsby laughs when Alan says his 'special skills' would be welcomed abroad. (The Good Samaritan).
Since when has the ability to lie on your back and blow smoke rings been a 'special skill'?

Alan says when he qualifies as a doctor, he could emigrate to anywhere in the world. (The Good Samaritan).
When you start cutting people up, we'll all be emigrating.

Rigsby derides the state of the Health Service but says in-patients waste their time complaining. (The Good Samaritan).
You wake up to find them holding a union meeting over your appendix.

Rigsby tries not to think of depressed Mr. Gray cutting his throat in the room downstairs. (The Good Samaritan).
Anyway, I've just shampooed the carpet in there.

Alan suggests Mr. Gray might be about to electrocute himself. (The Good Samaritan).
This is my house - it could play havoc wit the wiring.

Rigsby tells Philip how the local vicar saved the life of a former depressed tenant, even though he'd jumped off the roof. (The Good Samaritan).
He landed on the vicar.
Mind you, he had a grievance, he was self-employed.

Rigsby says a former self-employed tenant who went out on the window ledge won't be alone soon. (The Good Samaritan).
If things go on like this, we'll all be at it. He'd have a job to find a ledge.
You won't be able to walk through the streets without the self-employed dropping on you.

Alan says to Rigsby that 'No man is an island'. (The Good Samaritan).
I wish you were. Somewhere off in the North Sea, preferably.

Alan says depressed Mr. Gray is just trying to draw attention to himself. (The Good Samaritan).
If he was just trying to draw attention to himself, he'd get a tie that lights up.

Alan says depressed Mr. Gray is just trying to get preferetial treatment. (The Good Samaritan).
The only preferential treatment he's going to get is a free ride in the ambulance.

Rigsby says the Soviets only won so many Olympic medals because they were all on cattle steroids. (The Good Samaritan).
They shouldn't have given them medals, they should have pinned blue rosettes behind their ears.

Alan says the Soviets won so many Olympic medals because of their hard training. (The Good Samaritan).
They don't need training. All they need is to hear the magic word 'Siberia' and they're off like the wind.

Rigsby says modern Britain is sinking like the Titanic. (The Good Samaritan).
Confused orders from the bridge, water swirling round our ankles. The only difference is, they had a band.

The Samaritan asks Rigsby if he is saddened by Mrs. Rigsby having left him. (The Good Samaritan).
Why, do you think she might come back?

Alan asks what Mr. Gray is doing up on the roof. (The Good Samaritan).
Well, he's not waiting for the last bus, is he?

Rigsby tells Philip that climbing onto the roof is not easy. (The Good Samaritan).
This is going to be a bit more difficult than shinning up a coconut tree, you know.

Rigsby warns suicidal Mr. Gray not to look down from his position on the roof. (The Good Samaritan).
It's a long drop - you won't stop rolling till you get to the Town Hall.

Mr. Gray asks if the waiting crowd in the street is shouting for him to come down from the roof. (The Good Samaritan).
No, it's more likely 'Jump!'. They're starting to sell hot dogs down there.

Ruth suggests the new female tenant has 'a job she must be ashamed of'. (Fawcett's Python).
You don't mean she's from the Tax Office?

Alan asks Rigsby about his first sexual adventures in a brothel in wartime France. (Fawcett's Python).
Nothing happened. The Germans scored a direct hit on the bedroom. I thought 'If this is sex, you can stuff it'.

Rigsby warns Alan against trying to chat up new tenant Marilyn. (Fawcett's Python).
You'll have to take up something else. Try brass rubbing.

Rigsby has an analogy for Alan's terror after seeing Marilyn's python. (Fawcett's Python).
I haven't seen panic like that since twelve of us tried to get into the same lifejacket at Dunkirk.

Alan insists the snake swallows its prey whole. (Fawcett's Python).
Well he couldn't have swallowed you, not with those feet.

Rigsby indicates Philip while relating one of his dreams. (Fawcett's Python).
I could have been one of the 'great white hunters', which is more than I can say for him.

Philip says the Fawcett's Python eats anything. (Fawcett's Python).
I'll have to keep an eye on Vienna. He might end up as a bulge in his stomach.

Rigsby tells Marilyn her pet snake has got to go, after tenants' complaints. (Fawcett's Python).
They don't fancy him knotting himself round their windpipes.

Rigsby tells Marilyn the snake must go, as he is still growing. (Fawcett's Python).
If he gets any bigger, we're not going to be able to get up the stairs without a machete.

When the snake disappears, Rigsby can't understand why Marilyn had took him into the garden. (Fawcett's Python).
It's not as if you can throw sticks for him, is it?

Ruth says the local Curate will be visiting tonight, singing hymns. (Fawcett's Python).
I must remember to put the cat out.

Rigsby says the Curate's singing is acceptable, on the whole. (Fawcett's Python).
It's just the high notes, when he sounds afflicted with a strangulated hernia.

Ruth says Rigsby has something of a Philistine about him. Rigsby is oblivious. (Fawcett's Python).
Oh, that's very nice of you, Miss Jones.

Ruth asks Rigsby to imagine the Curate's reaction to seeing Marilyn in her negligee. (Fawcett's Python).
Oh, a bit of scourging and a couple of hours in a hair shirt, he'll be as right as rain.

Alan identifies the bundle in the cornerof Rigsby's room as the snake. (Fawcett's Python).
Well of course it's the snake. What did you think it was, a draught excluder?

Rigsby wonders why Ruth and the Curate are standing on the settee (they have seen the snake). (Fawcett's Python).
I thought it might be the Curate's way of getting a high note.

Rigsby tells Alan how sex was different when he was young. (The Cocktail Hour).
Our idea of a 'dirty weekend' was cleaning out the coal shed.

Alan says his girlfriend has opened his eyes to all the good things in life. (The Cocktail Hour).
You mean she's on 'the pill' ?

Rigsby tells Alan all that he could offer a girl in his room. (The Cocktail Hour).
A bag of cheese and onion crisps and a bottle of Cyprus sherry.

Rigsby decides to make the place presentable for Alan's influential girlfriend. (The Cocktail Hour).
I'd better dash round with the air fershener, the wind's off the abbatoir again.
I wish I'd known she was coming, I'd have bought a fluffy toilet seat cover.
I'll get the blue towels out, they've still got a bit of tread left on them.

Rigsby remarks on Alan's girlfriend's father's reputation for 'property developing'. (The Cocktail Hour).
He's cleared more ground for car parks than the might of the German Luftwaffe.
They tried to hit that Town Hall for two years, he got it down in a week with six Irishmen.

Rigsby derides Alan's old trousers. (The Cocktail Hour).
They've got more creases than an elephant's backside.

Alan refutes the accusation from Rigsby that he slurps his tea. (The Cocktail Hour).
Yes you do, you're like a buffalo at a waterhole.

Caroline is surprised to hear that Rigsby knows her mother, Lady Armitage. (The Cocktail Hour).
Oh yes, I thinks I've brushed against her a few times in Tesco.
I think our trolleys have locked once or twice at the frozen food counter.

Rigsby's ignorance shows through when Caroline mentions going to Glyndebourne (for the opera). (The Cocktail Hour).
Ah yes, the Three-Day Event, no doubt?

Alan says he keeps having giddy turns. (Suddenly At Home).
Only when I mention the rent.

Rigsby says hypochondriac tenant Osborne is always at the doctor's. (Suddenly At Home).
They've even consulted him on the new colour scheme.
He's got his own chair down there.
He's only missed once since he's been here, and that was when he was ill.
The only thing he hasn't got is anthrax and Dutch elm disease.

Rigsby says medical care only used to be for those with money. (Suddenly At Home).
If you couldn't pay, you got the Order of the Blunt Needle.
If you didn't pay your bills, you came out of hospital on a set of stumps.

Osborne says he has to go in hospital, so they can have a godo look at him. (Suddenly At Home).
I'd have thought they'd seen enough of you by now.
That place has never bee nthe same since they lost the key to the poison cupboard.

Rigsby advises Osborne against a vasectomy. (Suddenly At Home).
One day, you might want to settle down and have children - you won't be able to do that if you've had your firing pin removed.

Rigsby gives his opinions on freezing sperm. (Suddenly At Home).
Someone's only got to leave the fridge door open, and you lose your son and heir along with the kippers.

Osborne shows Rigsby the disc he has to wear because of his rare blood group. (Suddenly At Home).
What does it say - 'Do Not Drain'?

Rigsby comments to Philip on Africans' dentistry. (Suddenly At Home).
I've never seen one of your lot with a bad set of teeth - filed to a point sometimes, but...

Rigsby tells Ruth how difficult it is to get doctors to come out at night, especially if they're playing Bridge. (Suddenly At Home).
The other night - terrible choking fit. He was onto a Grand Slam - refused to come out. And that was his mother.

Rigsby tells Ruth about the Army's sympathy for a soldier with bad eyesight and flat feet. (Suddenly At Home).
They put him in a forward trench - he saw the Germans before any of us.
His flat feet didn't stop him breaking the United Services record for the half-mile either.

Rigsby has found Osborne rigid, presumed dead. He is in mourning. (Suddenly At Home).
The only thing that'll improve him now is embalming fluid.

Philip tells Rigsby his belief in dead bodies helping to enrich the soil. (Suddenly At Home).
Is that your theory of 'life after death' - coming back as a bowl of cornflakes ?

Rigsby explains why his granddad looked well while lying in state. (Suddenly At Home).
He'd been at Skegness the week before. It did him the world of good.

Alan is horrified when Rigsby shows him a coffin stored in a cupboard. (Suddenly At Home).
Well of course it's a coffin. What did you think it was, a cocktail cabinet?

Rigsby remarks on how well-made the coffin is he hasbought. (Suddenly At Home).
It's worth going, just for a ride in one of these.

Alan says he might have his body frozen after death. (Suddenly At Home).
My God. Who's going to be in charge of the funeral arrangements, Bird's Eye?
What's going to happen on Judgement Day, when we're all supposed to stand up and be counted - you'd look ridiculous between a leg of lamb and a packet of fishfingers.

Ruth asks what was Osborne's religion, but Rigsby is unsure. (Suddenly At Home).
As long as he wasn't Indian. I don't fancy pushing a flaming pyre up the Humber.

Ruth is happy because "grass is greener and the flowers are brighter". She asks Rigsby if he knows why. (Hello Young Lovers).
Horse manure, Miss Jones!

Ruth tells Rigsby how the newlywed bride tenant wept when her husband went to fetch a paper. (Hello Young Lovers).
It's early days. What's she going to do when he wants to go for a game of darts? She'll probably be in hysterics.

Ruth talks about Rigsby's marriage break-up as 'a bad experience'. (Hello Young Lovers).
Oh, that wasn't a bad experience, that was the good bit.

Rigsby describes his attempts to hug his new wife on his wedding day. (Hello Young Lovers).
It was like trying to get hold of a detached barrage balloon.

When Rigsby tells Ruth he 'got married for security', Ruth asks him if he means her father had money. (Hello Young Lovers).
No, a shotgun.

Rigsby's father-in-law said he'd been 'tampering with her', so he forced them to marry. (Hello Young Lovers).
I'd have sooner tampered with a Rugby League forward.

Ruth says the 'wounds' of a failed marriage never heal. (Hello Young Lovers).
Mine did eventually - I had stitches.

Rigsby says first-night honeymooners are sometimes surprised. (Hello Young Lovers).
The unexpected sight of a set of false gnashers in a glass by the bed.
The sudden removal of a cork leg.

Rigsby is after Philip's bottle of champagne. Philip says he is saving it for a special occasion. (Hello Young Lovers).
What 'special occasion' - first black couple to win 'Come Dancing'?

Referring to the newlyweds, Rigsby compares British courtship with Philip's African ones. (Hello Young Lovers).
We're mot polygamous. He didn't get her with a bag of salt.

Rigsby tells Philip of Britain's monogamous culture. (Hello Young Lovers).
You only get one chance here, you know. It's like 'The Golden Shot'.

Rigsby comments on Philip's expert handling of uncorking a champagne bottle. (Hello Young Lovers).
You wouldn't think, a few years, ago, he was pounding cocouts with a sharp stone.

After earlier overhearing Robin and Lorna talking 'sweet nothings', Rigsby starts to give Robin some advice. (Hello Young Lovers).
Now, Robin... Do you mind if I call you Robin, or do you prefer 'Squirrel Nutkin' ?

Rigsby describes the nightgown Ruth has lent to Lorna. (Hello Young Lovers).
Provocative, and yet perfectly acceptable in the event of a fire.

Rigsby says most of his wedding was second-hand because of wartime. (Hello Young Lovers).
Even the confetti had heelmarks.

Rigsby tells Philip about the taboo of sex in Edwardian times. (Hello Young Lovers).
You were lucky if you saw a bare leg before you got married. Probably didn't see much after, either.
They even used to cover the piano legs.
Doctors had to deliver babies with bags over their heads.

Rigsby says Lorna and Robin must get married, if only for security. (Hello Young Lovers).
What if he goes out for a loaf of bread, and never comes back again?
The father knows nothing about it. The first he's going to hear is when he's invited to the christening.

Rigsby says he had an inkling that Robin and Lorna weren't married. (Hello Young Lovers).
I thought they were too happy.

Lorna's tyrannical father is coming over after learning about her relationship with Robin. Rigsby is worried. (Hello Young Lovers).
As long as he doesn't let him have both barrels.
We don't want to spend all night picking pellets out of the furniture.

Lorna's father is shocked to see the bed in his daughter's room has collapsed. (Hello Young Lovers).
It won't take the strain. One false move, you get a spring up your winceyette.

Religious tenant Gwyn says he doesn't want a room with luxury. (Fire and Brimstone).
Yes, you don't want a carpet with a thick pile, you'd tire yourself out crossing the room.

Rigsby is talking to new tenant Gwyn about the abbatoir, visible from the window. (Fire and Brimstone).
If you hear the occasional bang, don't worry, that's the humane killer.

Rigsby agrees with Gwyn that the country needs 'a fresh moral attitude'. (Fire and Brimstone).
I was only saying the other day in the bookies, 'what we need is a fresh moral attitude'.

Rigsby is talking to Welsh tenant Gwyn about his nationality. (Fire and Brimstone).
If you get homesick, they've got a Welsh collie down at No.12. Perhaps they'll let you take it for walks.

Gwyn says he didn't realise his room-mate Philip was black. (Fire and Brimstone).
Of course he's black, he comes from Africa. What colour did you expect him to be - sky blue?

Rigsby is smooth-talking religious tenant Gwyn into staying. (Fire and Brimstone).
You looked just like Billy Graham when you said that!

After inviting Ruth for a fish supper, Rigsby decides against Ruth's idea of inviting Philip as well. (Fire and Brimstone).
I think he'd find cod a bit boring. He'd prefer fish with two sets of teeth - perhaps if it was piranha.

Ruth wonders why Gwyn was heard singing hymns in the bathroom. (Fire and Brimstone).
Oh, that's because the bolt's gone on the door again.

After their fish supper, Rigsby gives Ruth his plan for washing up. (Fire and Brimstone).
We'll let Vienna take the rough off the plates. He's a little marvel at getting the tomato sauce out of the cracks.

Afte rRigsby lights a cigar, Ruth tells him she loves them (meaning the fragrance). (Fire and Brimstone).
Oh, I'm sorry Miss Jones, I've only got the one.

Ruth reminds Rigsby he was married by a vicar who made him promise to love, honour and cherish. (Fire and Brimstone).
It's alright for him, he didn't have to live with her.

Gwyn coaxes Rigsby into praying with him, and tells God about Rigsby failings. (Fire and Brimstone).
Yes, alright. We can leave the 'half-inching' from Woolworths till later, can't we?

Religious convert Rigsby tells Philip he is cancelling the Sunday papers. (Fire and Brimstone).
You can make do with The War Cry from now on.

Philip asks Rigsby how he knows that a man he is convinced is from the Council is such a person. (Great Expectations).
He's got those hunched shoulders from crouching over figures all day, and those long bony fingers from trying to get blood out of a stone.

Rigsby thinks Mr. Snell is after Rigsby for unpaid finances. (Great Expectations).
What have you got in that bag, a thumbscrew?

Rigsby tells the councillor about the rat problem, using his neighbour with a wooden leg as an example. (Great Expectations).
He hears this gnawing sound, stands up - and collapses in a pile of sawdust.

Rigsby has strong words for Vienna as he picks his shirt free of cat hairs. (Great Expectations).
If you don't stop moulting, I'm going to give you a coat of varnish.

    Ruth shows Rigsby a carpet catalogue, hoping to replace her coconut matting. The picture of the carpet she would like has a young couple lying across it in their underwear. (Great Expectations).
They certainly couldn't do that on coconut matting. They'd get red rings everywhere.
They're full of static. Why do you think they're sprawled out like that? Probably been electrocuted.

Philip wants Rigsby to buy new fittings for the bathroom. (Great Expectations).
What do you want a sepia-tinted mirror for? You'd never see yourself in it.
Heated towel rail? Why, have you burned your bum on the paraffin stove again?!

Rigsby agrees when Mr. Snell says his late Uncle George Rigsby was a happily married man. (Great Expectations).
Yes, his wife had been dead for years.

Ruth tells Rigsby he is supposed to be happily married. (Great Expectations).
We are happily married - she lives in Cleethorpes, I live here.

Rigsby tries to think of a word to describe his estranged wife. Ruth tells him not to be horrible. (Great Expectations).
'Horrible' - that's it!

Rigsby tell Ruth how his estranged wife always tlked with a cigarette in the corner of her mouth. (Great Expectations).
I remember, she took it out during the Service.

Rigsby describes his estranged wife's laugh. (Great Expectations).
Something like a cross between a pneumatic drill and someone shooting crows.

Rigsby coaxes Ruth into imitating his ex-wife, with the promisse of a new carpet if she does. (Great Expectations).
I'll make it wall-to-wall in shag. What do you say?

After telling her his first name, Ruth says he doesn't look like a 'Rupert'. (Great Expectations).
Well of course I don't look like a 'Rupert'! He's a little woolly bear with a checked scarf.

Rut suggests laying on some buttered scones for Aunt Maud. (Great Expectations).
No, I think we'd be courting disaster with her teeth.

Philip says Rigsby needs police protection from his battleaxe wife Veronica. (Great Expectations).
Police protection? I need the Argylle & Sutherland Highlanders.

Rigsby says there's no point being too modest when you're advertising for a partner. (Pink Carnations).
If you're selling pork pies, you don't put them in the back of the shop, you put them out on display.

Philip says men shouldn't advertise for a woman, but should find one in the 'normal' way. (Pink Carnations).
What do you know about the normal way? When you want a woman, you just go out and give a quick burst on the drums.

Philip says his peoples' way of attracting women is to paint themselves white and leap out at them from the bushes. (Pink Carnations).
He's a company director! I can just see him at his company: 'Excuse the stripes, gentlemen, I'm just off to the laundrette to jump on a few women'.

Rigsby tells Philip about how British men in India used to get women. (Pink Carnations).
They'd write home - give them all his requirements. She'd come up-river with a grand piano and a roll of lino.

Rigsby tells Philip how he hinted to Ruth that he was after 'an older, more mature woman' (meaning her). (Pink Carnations).
She offered to put me in touch with the over-sixties.

Rigsby says he is looking for a 'spiritual, cultured' woman. Philip apologises for laughing and says he didn't know he was looking for those qualities in a woman. (Pink Carnations).
Of course I am - that, and a decent pair of knockers.
Well, culture's alright. But you can't discuss Etruscan vases all night, can you?

Rigsby blames the editor for the lack of replies to his personal ad. (Pink Carnations).
Well I told them not to put it among 'Surgical Appliances'. I mean, you're not looking for a new husband among the body belts, trusses and hair transplants, are you? You're looking for a replacement, not spare parts.

Rigsby is on the phone to his blind date. They have arranged to meet at The George public house and Rigsby says he loves poetry. His date asks if he is familiar with Betjeman. (Pink Carnations).
Oh, I don't know him. Does he drink at The George?

After annoying the barman by insisting on ice in his drink, a cherry and a slice of lemon, the barman sarcastically asks him if he wants anything else as well. (Pink Carnations).
Yes, I want one of those little plastic swords.

Rigsby thanks the woman for getting him a drink, which he identifies incorrectly. (Pink Carnations).
Oh. Those cheese and onion crisps play havoc with your taste buds.

The bride's mother demands Rigsby's attention. He thinks his blind date ha finally arrived, but is surprised to see how old she is. (Pink Carnations).
When you said 'early twenties', I didn't know you meant 1920s.
I'm not surprised you're late. It's a wonder you didn't wait for it to go dark.
Still, they say the best wine comes out of old bottles.

Ruth tells Rigsby that some men have 'got it', and that he's one of them. (Pink Carnations).
Trouble is, I don't get much chance to use it, Miss Jones.

Rigsby is after rent from Ambrose. Ambrose is toasting a crumpet, but pretends to be meditating when he hears Rigsby approaching. He tells Rigsby he was about to enter Nirvana. (Under The Influence).
You'd be the first one to arrive there toasting a crumpet.

Ambrose says the mystic contortionists of India don't perform for money. (Under The Influence).
Of course they do it for money! You don't push a rusty nail through your hooter just to see it come out the other side.

Rigsby rubbishes Ambrose's medicine for supposedly curing lethargy. Ambrose says it must be swallowed. (Under The Influence).
You couldn't swallow that stuff, it'd take the stripes off a zebra.

Ambrose insists he is from a Romany caravan. (Under The Influence).
The only time you've been in a caravan was when you had that week in Cleethorpes - and then you came back on the Thursday.

Rigsby reminds Ambrose about the woman who lost her hair from taking his medicine - and her husband's anger. (Under The Influence).
He's bound to be distressed - he goes to bed with a flaming redhead and wakes up next to a billiard ball.

Rigsby tells Ambrose about the man who tells fortunes from women's breast prints. (Under The Influence).
He had a nice pair through the post the other day. A woman had made them with a couple of oranges.
Turns out he'd advised a couple of Jaffas to invest in gilt-edged.

Ambrose tries to give Rigsby a fake diamond instead of his rent. (Under The Influence).
No thank you. I've got all the glass I need in the greenhouse.

While hypnotised, Rigsby recalls his childhood game of Doctors and Nurses, albeit short-lived. (Under The Influence).
I was struck off. I had to go and sit in the ambulance.

With Ruth 'hypnotised', she throws Rigsby onto the kitchen table and lies on top of him. (Under The Influence).
What about the cat? I should put him out, this sort of thing disturbs him - his fur'll be coming out again.

After Ruth's pretended hypnotised passion for Rigsby, Rigsby says it got out of hand. (Under The Influence).
I wanted love and affection, not Rent-A-Storm.

Rigsby is trying to hypnotise the cat with a swinging watch chain. Philip asks if it is working. (Under The Influence).
I'm not sure - he looks dozy at the best of times.

Philip asks Rigsby what it's like to be finally divorced. (Come On In, The Water's Lovely).
Can't you see the difference? I'm walking erect for the first time in years.

Rigsby compares his freedom of divorce to having his leg plaster cast off in hospital. Philip asks how it can possibly compare. (Come On In, The Water's Lovely).
Well, it was always a dead weight, and it prevented me from enjoying myself.

Rigsby admits he and his estranged wife always celebrated their wedding anniversary by going away. (Come On In, The Water's Lovely).
Mind you, we did stay at separate hotels.

Rigsby tells Philip the difference between British and African engagement rituals. (Come On In, The Water's Lovely).
We don't tap them over the head with a war club and drag them off into the bushes.

Rigsby tells Ruth how much he adores Indian food. (Come On In, The Water's Lovely).
You can certainly tell it's doing you good by the way the sweat breaks out on your back.

Rigsby tells Ruth he is an expert on exotic cuisine. (Come On In, The Water's Lovely).
I particularly like the Vindaloo. Mind you, afterwards, it's normally a case of 'Where's the loo?' !

Rigsby rubbishes the 'marriage is wonderful' brigade. (Come On In, The Water's Lovely).
They all said 'Come on in, the water's lovely' - I didn't know Id' have to swim the Channel.

Rigsby explains to Philip that his future mother-in-law was raised in India, and had servants. (Come On In, The Water's Lovely).
It must have been very difficult for her - learning to dress herself and mastering the compleities of the twin-tub.

Rigsby has a photo of his future mother-in-law. He tries to explain her strange facial expression to Philip. (Come On In, The Water's Lovely).
It looks like she's got the Bombay Crut...It's like Delhi Belly or the Rangoon Runs, only worse.

Rigsby is worried his voice will give out at the altar. (Come On In, The Water's Lovely).
She'll be expecting a firm response, not 'Can we have that again, Mr. Rigsby?'

Ron tries to get Rigsby to have a drink before the wedding, to calm him down. Rigsby declines. (Come On In, The Water's Lovely).
I don't want to give the vicar a blast of Highland Magic every time I respond, do I?

Rigsby is lamenting the fact that Ruth's mother, raised in India, will be living with them. (Come On In, The Water's Lovely).
I wish she'd followed that Indian custom - the one where the widow jumps on the bonfire with her husband.

Rigsby gives his criminal brother some orders for after the ceremony. (Come On In, The Water's Lovely).
On the photographs, tilt your hat over your eyes. We might make The Tatler, I don't want them recognising you.

Rigsby is extremely depressed when they return home after going to the wrong church. (Come On In, The Water's Lovely).
 I said St. Luke's, perpendicular with a rood screen - not St. Mark's, early gothic with a vicar to match.
My God, I should have realised we were in the wrong church when they started wheeling that coffin down the aisle.

Rigsby's brother says they should have played along with the ceremony, even though it was a funeral. (Come On In, The Water's Lovely).
What did you expect me to do, spend the honeymoon with the deceased?

Taking Ruth for a drive in the country, a souped-up open-top car passes them, with the youths inside gesturing. Rigsby replies. (The Movie).
Take the wheels off and keep chickens in it !

The canvas roof of Rigsby's sports car peels itself off as they drive along. Ruth tells Rigsby, who pretends not to have noticed. (The Movie).
That's alright, Miss Jones. I was going to let the top down anyway.

Rigsby has spotted Philip on the rugby pitch, and asks Ruth if it is him, as he is unsure. (The Movie).
Is that our black friend? I know they all look the same at this distance.

Rigsby explains why he wants Ruth to stop her skipping exercises in the room above his. (The Movie).
I'm getting plaster on my fishfingers.

Rigsby tells Ruth about his wedding night coinciding with VJ Night. (The Movie).
She surrendered the same night as Japan. We resumed hostilities a week later.

Rigsby compares his marriage to a war. (The Movie).
Long periods of boredom followed by short bursts of violence.

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(c) Paul Fisher
All script excerpts are (c) Eric Chappell.
Excerpts are as recorded for TV. Original scripts may have contained differences.
See the Rising Damp Scripts book for the complete, original scripts.